Top Five of: Annoying Things Game Bosses Do

Game bosses can be the absolute pinnacle of a videogame level's experience. It can cap off the scenario with a fitting battle that's reflective of the atmosphere and surroundings up until that point, perhaps (and ideally) having you utilise your newfound talents and skills you'd learned throughout the past section to defeat the mighty boss dude or dudette.

But sometimes, bosses are just dicks. They just do some stupid-assed crap. Annoying you to hell and making you shout "WHO DESIGNED THIS GAME?!", a badly-designed boss can taint the entire game. And here's a list of my Top Five of: Annoying Things Game Bosses Do!

ANNOYING THING GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER FIVE: TELL YOU THEIR PLANS



So you've reached the boss. And you want to hurt him. You know he's evil, and he's done a bunch of really odious stuff right here. But no - you don't get to kill him yet. He's going to inexplicably incapacitate you and start monologuing his entire life history, up until the present where he'll divulge his full plans, probably including some truly incriminating or devastatingly helpful information to you regarding the plan's weakness.

It's all very well and good that you let us live and practically TOLD us how to stop you, mate. But come on, now. You're fucking boring me now.


ANNOYING THINGS GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER FOUR: HEAL AFTER GETTING BEATEN



So you've fought the boss down to the wire. It's been a long slog, a dance of death and you're hurting. Your health bar flashes that FURIOUS red, telling you that if you so much as take a stray nerf dart to the shin, you're going to die.

Wait, what're you doing there, boss? Are you jumping into some kind of capsule? Casting some kind of spell, there? Why can't I move to stop you? Wh...

*Boss has recharged his health*.

Fuck.

What remains is a truly futile fumbling to try to do the same again and fight him ALL OVER AGAIN whilst on your last legs, or make the decision to just give up, restart, and try your hardest to pre-empt it next time.

Next time will be the same.


ANNOYING THINGS GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER THREE: SUMMON LOADS OF MINIONS TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE HIM



Sometimes a boss just can't be arsed and just summons hundreds of minions to fight you instead. This isn't just god-damned LAZY, but it's also INFURIATING. Perhaps he'll mix it up a bit - fight alongside them for a bit, continuing to "top up" his minions as you eradicate them in between his spammy long-range attacks... or maybe he'll jump out of the pre-determined arena, summon loads-o'-guys, let you beat them, then jump back in for another round with you.

In any scenario, this is not fun. THIS IS NOT FUN.


ANNOYING THINGS GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER TWO: GET TO 1HP THEN PULL MEGA-ATTACK OUT OF HIS ARSE



Similar to the "healing" thing, except this one is more annoying because you can be doing so, SO well up until this point. But on his last legs, he pulls out the MEGA CHEAP DEATH ATTACK. Extra fury points if you find out that it's a scripted fight and you've used up all of your items fighting him, and this final attack is unavoidable. Yeah, you were SUPPOSED to die here. Well done on drinking all 35 of your potions though, mate. All your effort was for fuck all.


ANNOYING THINGS VIDEOGAME BOSSES DO NUMBER ONE: PUNCTUATE THE ENDING OF THE FIGHT WITH A CHEAP QTE



This one wins because you've actually won the fight. You've endured hardships well-fought and your fingers are stinging. Now to reap the rewards of your pad-thrashing last fifteen minutes of boss-slaying with this exceptionally crafted cut-scene where the main charac *PRESS X* ... what?

*You Are Dead. Restart at Last Checkpoint?*

Are... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yes, not even the cutscenes are safe when bosses are involved, and you're left ruining any cinematic for yourself sitting on edge to make sure the corpse of the bad dude isn't going to spring up and try to choke you or something, leaving you doing the last ten or so minutes all over again because you neglected to assume you'd need to hammer the A button during YOUR REWARD SCENE. It's akin to a boxer winning a brutal 12-round fight, holding up the championship belt amidst the cheers of the crowd, and the referee knees him in the bollocks.


ARGH! BOSSES BE DAMNED!! BOSSES WITH CHEAP, ANGERING TACTICS! But did something I mentioned cause a disagreement with you? Do you LOVE it when the bad guy calls on fifty-two grunts to fight in his stead? Do you ADORE it when he uses BLACK DEATH on you in the final second of the battle? Let me know in the comments box below, chaps and chaperettes!

*PRESS Y NOT TO DI-TOOLATEBITCH!*