Top Five of: Stuff You Make In The Toaster

The humble toaster is secretly an exceptional gadget. On the surface it is little more than a two-sided food-surface-cooker, one which flash-grills the exterior of your food in minutes. But delve deeper and you'll find it is the saviour of the student, the convenience king with an "I'm Ready!" indicator even more satisfying than the microwave's "ping" - the toaster's "POP!"

But what are the best five things you can actually MAKE in a toaster? Well in my opinion, it's the following.

Here are Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Stuff You Make In The Toaster!


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER FIVE: FISHCAKES/FISH FINGERS



Yes, I'm serious. Cooking Fishcakes or Fish Fingers in a toaster results in no oily coating, no sogginess - perfect char, and an immense crunchy coating. Why fire up the grill and constantly turn some fish fingers again and again, when you can get a far superior result quicker, with less effort, and with a satisfying FISHSPLOSION when the toaster pops?

**"Fishsplosion" is a copyrighted term and may not be used unless given the written consent of either me or Captain Beauregard Chessington Birdseye.**


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER FOUR: POP TARTS



I think Kelloggs hate us. Where there's nothing inherently WRONG with Chocolate or Strawberry, it's a slap in the face to us when you see what "JesusChristI'mHavingDiabetesForBreakfast" treats our American brethren get to experience. Yes, the variants of Pop Tarts they get include S'mores (basically biscuit, marshmallow and melted chocolate), Ice Cream Shoppe (I too am confused by the either dyslexictastic, pretentious, or Ye Olde spelling of "Shop"; affixing -pe to stuff is just confusing, isn't itpe?), Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Frosted Confetti Cake.

Effectively, Pop Tarts are small slabs of pastry, filled with various types of jam and frosted with all manner of icing. What could be more epic than eating what is essentially a hot toasted dessert for breakfast?

Worth noting is the cruel manner in which they are packaged. A "portion" is one Pop Tart at around 200 kcal... but they're packed in foil packets of two! And my toaster has two slots! Coincidence? Or SUPER OVEREATING MEGA-MARKETING GENIUS?

I'll let you make up your own mindpe.


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER THREE: CRUMPETS



Crumpets, I've found, harbour some confusion. Some people see crumpets as the flat pancake-like porous sweet treat, and technically they ARE crumpets, but they are also pikelets. Pikelets are also pancakes, which is a term you can also attribute to crepes.

But enough about crap that's related to crap. The crumpets I'm on about are the savoury porous type you toast and then put an entire block of butter on.

Yes, the magical honeycomb-composition of the crumpet ensures the maximum saturation of oil physically possible by any food in this realm; like some kind of of black hole sponge bread.

"Black Hole Sponge" has now got me singing the song "Blackhole Sun" with altered lyrics, to myself. Shit. Now that's going to be stuck in my head with the wrong lyrics forever, much like "This ain't a scene, it's a God-Damned-Arse-Face."


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER TWO: TOAST



Did I hear a gasp from the back? "Toast should be number one! Toast is the QUINTESSENTIAL toaster food! I mean, it's called TOAST, FUGGODSAKES!"

Well, toast IS an incredible thing. Potentially a vehicle for any manner of toppings, toast can be a lovely sweet or a savoury breakfast, it can be the foundation of a dinner or even made into strips to use as novelty dunkers.

Topped with melted cheese, butter, scrambled eggs, jam, nutella, pate, beans... it doesn't matter, toast is the epic, flexible hero base of so many dishes, and is a cinch to prepare.

Why only number two? Well, topped toast may be incredible, but it is reliant on a companion to be a tasty treat. Even if it's just a spot of butter, lonely toast just needs SOMETHING to set it off. It's that bizarre phenomenon - Butter is fine, and Toast is fine, but when combined, they produce an incredible taste MEGAZORD which is far more than the sum of it's parts...


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER ONE: POTATO WAFFLES



You could pretty much copy and paste everything I wrote before and apply it to a Birdseye Potato Waffle (minus the sweet stuff). "They're waffly versatile" is the tagline, and they're not lying. Topped or alone, potato waffles are king. And made in a toaster, they get a crispy crunch which is equal to that of toast, but with the added soft yumciousness of fluffy mashed potato. It's like having toast with mashed tattie in the middle... IN EVERY SLICE. It's like Carb Nirvana. If only they made Birdseye Potato, Pasta and Rice Waffles, and then we could have every carb taste experience all at once!

The grid-like pattern ensures that if you top with egg or beans, there will ALWAYS be some welcome residual hidey-food to be had even when you think you've finished.

Finally, for the more creative souls amongst you, the waffle, when cut into pieces, can form various shapes of "Potato Tetris Blocks" which can then be reformed into anything you like in a Lego-esque experience of delightful foodplay.

They also make great air vent covers for Secret Potato Underground Research Facilities.



So, did you agree with my choices? What would you like to propose a toast to? Let me know below, chaps and chapettes!