Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life

Ah, if only life was a videogame. Sure, there'd be a lot of totally bizarre crap to contend with, but there'd be an equal amount of beneficial aspects too; think of all the unique, superhuman, or just plain mental exertions available to you!

So here are my Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life!

STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER FIVE: BREAKING ALL YOUR BONES BY THROWING YOURSELF OFF CLIFFTOPS AND BUILDINGS... FOR A LAUGH



Sure, you can do this in real life... but not really for a laugh. If anything, I would be slightly miffed to have broken all of my bones from a conscious decision to throw myself from an incredibly high place.

But in games, it's brilliant to find that elusive, deadly spot, chuck yourself from it, and crumple into a pile of shattered person-debris, and cackle like a sadistic cockatoo.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER FOUR: HIDE FOR THIRTY SECONDS AND ALL IS FORGIVEN



THE ENTIRE BASE IS ON HIGH ALERT!

EVERYONE IS OUT TO KILL YOU!

WATCH OUT, TIME TO DIE!

DIE, DIE, D...

Actually, the allocated thirty seconds have passed now, and as such, nobody cares any longer. Everyone returns to normal. You're free, no repercussions, no negatives to speak of.

Imagine if in real life, you could steal, lie, kick a small toddler in the groin, and merely have to hide for a little bit - then return to a bunch of smiling, accepting faces!

Relationship arguments would be a thing of the past! Argument occurring? Merely go for a pee, and return... by the time you get back, it'll be LURRVE CITAYY.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER THREE: SAVE/LOAD



Made a mistake in life choices? Did you order the chicken when your partner's monkfish looks ten times tastier? RELOAD FROM QUICKSAVE!

Need to do something but the task at hand is looming? Simply save up and load up the scenario later!

Hate your boss? Quick-save, punch him in the neck, savour, wait for him to call the police whilst you shit on his desk, then load up your original save! SAVOUR THE HAPPENINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED!


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER TWO: EAT TO HEAL




Just been stabbed? Need to get to the Infirmary so you don't bleed to death? Internal rupturing causing you to hallucinate about bright lights pulling you in?

Oh, it's cool. You've got that ham salad sandwich from Marks and Sparks. Just eat that. Your wounds are healed. Still got a bit of a headache? Tunnocks Teacake.

None of this "Chicken soup will heal what ails ya!" nonsense. Food should PROPERLY and INSTANTLY heal you up! I should be able to open a tin of Heinz and that arm I lost in Vietnam just grows the fuck back.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER ONE: FORWARD ROLL PERPETUALLY, EVEN UP STAIRS



Oh, come on - how can you contest this? Forward rolling is badass. People who forward roll are instantly cool, and the ability to forward roll continuously, faster than you can run? Those guys get ALL the girls.

And doing it UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS? Have you ever even tried to forward-roll DOWN a flight of stairs?! Jesus. Stairs are fucking JAGGY. We're talking thrusting your cranium down into the floor at tremendous speed here all for the sake of the forward roll, and that, my friends, is one noble-as-hell cause right there.


What?! You disagree with something? Well, Comment!!

What would you have differently in YOUR Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life?