Monday, 13 January 2014

Top Five Of: Last Generation's Best "Kickin' Aboot" Game Music

"Kickin' aboot". In Scotland, this means loitering, hovering around with no immediate aim. This is also a phrase I apply to those moments in videogame hubs, overworlds and places of few goals to attain. It might be the place you expect to pick up your next mission, move to the actual "levels" in the main game, or perhaps even a game lobby to spend some downtime picking some clumpage from your arse hair before moving on to more trying pursuits.

But sometimes, it's in these situations you find your spirit rapt in the sheer beauty and wonderment of the game's graphics and sound - you spend your time using your right thumbstick to circle around the environment and indulge in specular-map-speculation. But it'd mean nothing in silence - it's the music and ambient sound in these situations, these moments of downtime, that really send some shivers up the spine and get you pumped up for the game ahead.

The following are last generation's greatest kickin' aboot tracks from the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii (in my opinion). The choices I made were down to the sheer awesomeness, funkitude, and downright ambient sexiness that drew me into the experience. And they're just my opinions, mind. Don't be a dick and say I'm wrong, because you're wrong about me being wrong. Make your own blog to be wrong in, ye foul wrongster.

TOP FIVE KICKIN' ABOOT TRACK NUMBER FIVE: FAR CRY 3 BLOOD DRAGON: THE POWERCOLT THEME

I arguably love Blood Dragon more than the stand-alone Far Cry 3, though they are entirely unrelated beasts. It follows the adventures of Rex Power Colt, a surviving sergeant of Vietnam War 2, where a cyborg army intends to turn the world into Cyber Hell. In this 80s-infused LSD-tastic wet dream, Rex uses his machine arm to punch reactors, battles huge dragons with the ability to fire lazers from their retinas, and has a pistol suspiciously similar to that of Robocop.

The open world nature of it means that, depending on the level of alertness or hostility of the surrounding enemies, the Power Colt theme theme changes in tempo and vigour, but always remains a sexy level of eighties cheese, a syntheriffic bouncy electronic sound that makes every man from my generation pumped up to shoot lazer beams and battle cyborg sharks. In contemporary games, you might defuse a nuke, but in this game, you'd ride it like a wild stallion right into the enemy base, so when you hear this track as you attempt stealth, you soon abandon your sneaking and instead just get on with the punching.

TOP FIVE KICKIN' ABOOT TRACK NUMBER FOUR: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG ('06): SOLEANNA NEW CITY

"Aw, NAW! Tommy's surely went MENTAL, that game was GASH!" cried out Big Malky from Tullibody, who is a person that does not exist, but is the voice of reason nonetheless. Sonic the Hedgehog '06 is definitely a dire game. It's a game design nightmare, with some gameplay choices causing me actual migraines as I struggle to try to give Sonic Team the benefit of the doubt trying to be the mediator in the situation, but I just end up with an impacted face and a sullen, reluctant acceptance that, as a Sonic fanboy, this game is just like wiping your arse with a cactus.

So it's actually almost MORE painful that some of last generation's best music was in the game - with exciting, varied tracks ranging from house-metal hybrids to straight-up lounge jazz. This track, in kickin' aboot tradition, plays when you're merely chilling around the city, talking to strangers and trying to figure out which level you'd like to visit next.

It's almost way, way too funky for it's own good, with a punchy, slappy bassline that makes me do that "DAYYUM! frowny-face where I almost can't handle the sheer level of FAWNKAY. All just whilst you kick aboot.

It's such a pity, then, that the actual GAMEPLAY of this kickin' aboot comprises of talking to strangers requiring two (seriously, TWO) loading screens per stranger sub-mission and an almost defiant hatred of the laws of basic physics. Just stand still and enjoy the awesome music.

TOP FIVE KICKIN' ABOOT TRACKS NUMBER THREE: SUPER MARIO GALAXY OBSERVATORY

In my opinion, Super Mario Galaxy was when Super Mario returned to being magical and truly awe-inspiring again. For many a year I thought Super Mario Bros 3 couldn't be topped, and then Super Mario 64 came along and blew my mind. Amazingly, it would take eleven years for a Mario game to make me feel this way again with Super Mario Galaxy on the Nintendo Wii. Sure, there were some corkers along the way, like the interesting Sunshine for the Gamecube, but Galaxy felt like Super Mario was a real adventure of the senses again, like I was a child once more.

This was definitely in no small part down the to exceptional soundtrack, with fully-orchestrated, sweeping, epic tracks that made every single planet Mario visited seem alien, unique, like anything could happen. Watching Mario's stubby little limbs thrust outward like a pair of sausage-wings as he soared through space filled my heart with joy.

So when kickin' aboot in the game's hub, Rosalina's Comet Observatory, hearing the gentle, waltz-like music made me feel so comforted and placated, the perfect foil to the main levels and their sweeping adventurous overtures.

Like a musical hug.

TOP FIVE KICKIN' ABOOT TRACKS NUMBER TWO: NiER GESTALT, HILLS OF RADIANT WINDS

Honestly, picking an amazing kickin' aboot track in this game was ridiculously difficult because the entire experience has moments of truly poignant downtime that are never boring, but often force the player to ponder their intentions before acting.

This game is the hardest on my list to define; part Zelda, part Drakengard, part... er, Ikaruga, I guess. In a game with real-time combat, farming, bullet-hell shooting and text adventuring in it, summarising this RPG as "an RPG" is almost like calling a combi-oven a toaster, because though it certainly DOES that, it's so, so much more than that. Christ, that was a laboured metaphor, was it no'? Combi-oven? I need to go back to analogy academy.

The game follows a man who has a daughter dying of an odd curse just as the world is being slowly overwhelmed by shadowy creatures resembling beings from the past. Along the way he meets a wise but grumpy sentient tome named Grimoire Weiss, a floating book with a superiority complex who dislikes your other companions, a young boy trapped within the frail body of a grotesque puppet, and a vicious warrior woman with a hidden agenda. This is pretty much the most tame elements the story contains, as Nier seeks to do anything to reverse the ailments of his daughter, taking him to dark places - physically and psychologically.

The track "Hills of Radiant Winds" is just one of the truly haunting songs the game has in abundance - straddling tones of optimism and sadness with the use of the completely-fabricated language of The Ancients. Though every word in the game is spoken from a series of incomprehensible runes in the Ancient tongue, by the end you actually begin deciphering certain words and phrases as it drags you in to experience the haunting, intoxicating world.

"Song of the Ancients" is the song that plays in the main village (with "Hills of Radiant Winds" playing in the adjacent fields), and by the end of the game, these two tracks will slowly start to mean something else to the player- and I'll leave it at that to avoid spoiling anything.

Plus, when you're kickin' aboot in this game, you can grow carrots and slay sheep with a big chib.

TOP FIVE OF KICKIN' ABOOT TRACKS NUMBER ONE: FINAL FANTASY 13-2 - RUN

I did not care for Final Fantasy 13. I dubbed it the "Prettiest Corridor of Fights" as I played through it, waiting for this fabled "good bit" everyone was on about. After about fifteen hours of playing, the game ceased to be a long, tiresome corridor of fights and cutscenes and became... well, a great big circle of fights. Everyone told me it would get infinitely more amazing when it went "open-world", but what they didn't say is that this "open" world would actually just be one big field where I could pick fights with things to grind levels before I opted to move into the final corridor of fights and end the game.

So when a pal said to me that the sequel changed everything up, I was hesitant. You can't put a flake into a shite and call it a 99, I thought, telling myself not to get sucked in. So when I picked up Final Fantasy 13-2 for a tenner, I thought, "let's give it a fair punt and not be a square cu... er... person."

And do you know what? It wasn't amazing. It wasn't even great, but it was definitely infinitely better than the original game, opening up not only space, but time as well, allowing the player to use the "Historia Crux" to travel between specific significant periods of time in the storyline.

And though there wasn't much to do whilst kickin' aboot, there was ONE thing I couldn't help but find myself adoring - the absolutely exceptional music. This particular track, "Run" is just when you're dandering through the grassy sections between towns. Yes, THIS is kickin' aboot music. The fact they'd given such effort to such an inconsequential portion of the game (and it's not just this part, the game is littered with these almost over-epic tracks) made even the simplest, tiny amount of kickin' aboot feel like I was part of a grand adventure.

If you listen to "Run", you'll instantly think, "oh, this is pretty good. Standard... oh, wait, that bit was cool. Oh, that bit was awesome. Wow, it's actually getting exponentially more awesome!" - as the track progresses every musician in the composition get their own little chance to go absolutely batshit crazy with a solo - the violinist, the pianist, guitarist - hell, even the drummer knocks your socks off with the solo provided - and then they all appear to say, "yeah, that's enough utterly face-melting solo stuff, let's crack on with the song!" and get back to the previous rhythm.

Kickin' aboot is rarely this exciting, and suddenly you'll realise you've just been running down a series of linear paths picking up random items, thinking you're on the most exciting, epic adventure a person ever embarked upon, Therefore, simply because Final Fantasy 13-2 seems to magnify the mundane to truly epic proportions, it's my selection for NUMBER ONE KICKIN' ABOOT TRACK OF LAST GENERATION.

So then, agree? Disagree? Kinda agree? Onegree? Twrogree? Let me know in the comment box below and perhaps add your own picks for your favourite kickin' aboot tracks of last generation.

Until next time, list-fans!

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Top Five of: Annoying Things Game Bosses Do

Game bosses can be the absolute pinnacle of a videogame level's experience. It can cap off the scenario with a fitting battle that's reflective of the atmosphere and surroundings up until that point, perhaps (and ideally) having you utilise your newfound talents and skills you'd learned throughout the past section to defeat the mighty boss dude or dudette.

But sometimes, bosses are just dicks. They just do some stupid-assed crap. Annoying you to hell and making you shout "WHO DESIGNED THIS GAME?!", a badly-designed boss can taint the entire game. And here's a list of my Top Five of: Annoying Things Game Bosses Do!

ANNOYING THING GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER FIVE: TELL YOU THEIR PLANS



So you've reached the boss. And you want to hurt him. You know he's evil, and he's done a bunch of really odious stuff right here. But no - you don't get to kill him yet. He's going to inexplicably incapacitate you and start monologuing his entire life history, up until the present where he'll divulge his full plans, probably including some truly incriminating or devastatingly helpful information to you regarding the plan's weakness.

It's all very well and good that you let us live and practically TOLD us how to stop you, mate. But come on, now. You're fucking boring me now.


ANNOYING THINGS GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER FOUR: HEAL AFTER GETTING BEATEN




So you've fought the boss down to the wire. It's been a long slog, a dance of death and you're hurting. Your health bar flashes that FURIOUS red, telling you that if you so much as take a stray nerf dart to the shin, you're going to die.

Wait, what're you doing there, boss? Are you jumping into some kind of capsule? Casting some kind of spell, there? Why can't I move to stop you? Wh...

*Boss has recharged his health*.

Fuck.

What remains is a truly futile fumbling to try to do the same again and fight him ALL OVER AGAIN whilst on your last legs, or make the decision to just give up, restart, and try your hardest to pre-empt it next time.

Next time will be the same.


ANNOYING THINGS GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER THREE: SUMMON LOADS OF MINIONS TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE HIM




Sometimes a boss just can't be arsed and just summons hundreds of minions to fight you instead. This isn't just god-damned LAZY, but it's also INFURIATING. Perhaps he'll mix it up a bit - fight alongside them for a bit, continuing to "top up" his minions as you eradicate them in between his spammy long-range attacks... or maybe he'll jump out of the pre-determined arena, summon loads-o'-guys, let you beat them, then jump back in for another round with you.

In any scenario, this is not fun. THIS IS NOT FUN.


ANNOYING THINGS GAME BOSSES DO NUMBER TWO: GET TO 1HP THEN PULL MEGA-ATTACK OUT OF HIS ARSE



Similar to the "healing" thing, except this one is more annoying because you can be doing so, SO well up until this point. But on his last legs, he pulls out the MEGA CHEAP DEATH ATTACK. Extra fury points if you find out that it's a scripted fight and you've used up all of your items fighting him, and this final attack is unavoidable. Yeah, you were SUPPOSED to die here. Well done on drinking all 35 of your potions though, mate. All your effort was for fuck all.


ANNOYING THINGS VIDEOGAME BOSSES DO NUMBER ONE: PUNCTUATE THE ENDING OF THE FIGHT WITH A CHEAP QTE



This one wins because you've actually won the fight. You've endured hardships well-fought and your fingers are stinging. Now to reap the rewards of your pad-thrashing last fifteen minutes of boss-slaying with this exceptionally crafted cut-scene where the main charac *PRESS X* ... what?

*You Are Dead. Restart at Last Checkpoint?*

Are... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yes, not even the cutscenes are safe when bosses are involved, and you're left ruining any cinematic for yourself sitting on edge to make sure the corpse of the bad dude isn't going to spring up and try to choke you or something, leaving you doing the last ten or so minutes all over again because you neglected to assume you'd need to hammer the A button during YOUR REWARD SCENE. It's akin to a boxer winning a brutal 12-round fight, holding up the championship belt amidst the cheers of the crowd, and the referee knees him in the bollocks.


ARGH! BOSSES BE DAMNED!! BOSSES WITH CHEAP, ANGERING TACTICS! But did something I mentioned cause a disagreement with you? Do you LOVE it when the bad guy calls on fifty-two grunts to fight in his stead? Do you ADORE it when he uses BLACK DEATH on you in the final second of the battle? Let me know in the comments box below, chaps and chaperettes!

*PRESS Y NOT TO DI-TOOLATEBITCH!*

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Top Five of: Stuff You Make In The Toaster

The humble toaster is secretly an exceptional gadget. On the surface it is little more than a two-sided food-surface-cooker, one which flash-grills the exterior of your food in minutes. But delve deeper and you'll find it is the saviour of the student, the convenience king with an "I'm Ready!" indicator even more satisfying than the microwave's "ping" - the toaster's "POP!"

But what are the best five things you can actually MAKE in a toaster? Well in my opinion, it's the following.

Here are Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Stuff You Make In The Toaster!


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER FIVE: FISHCAKES/FISH FINGERS



Yes, I'm serious. Cooking Fishcakes or Fish Fingers in a toaster results in no oily coating, no sogginess - perfect char, and an immense crunchy coating. Why fire up the grill and constantly turn some fish fingers again and again, when you can get a far superior result quicker, with less effort, and with a satisfying FISHSPLOSION when the toaster pops?

**"Fishsplosion" is a copyrighted term and may not be used unless given the written consent of either me or Captain Beauregard Chessington Birdseye.**


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER FOUR: POP TARTS



I think Kelloggs hate us. Where there's nothing inherently WRONG with Chocolate or Strawberry, it's a slap in the face to us when you see what "JesusChristI'mHavingDiabetesForBreakfast" treats our American brethren get to experience. Yes, the variants of Pop Tarts they get include S'mores (basically biscuit, marshmallow and melted chocolate), Ice Cream Shoppe (I too am confused by the either dyslexictastic, pretentious, or Ye Olde spelling of "Shop"; affixing -pe to stuff is just confusing, isn't itpe?), Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Frosted Confetti Cake.

Effectively, Pop Tarts are small slabs of pastry, filled with various types of jam and frosted with all manner of icing. What could be more epic than eating what is essentially a hot toasted dessert for breakfast?

Worth noting is the cruel manner in which they are packaged. A "portion" is one Pop Tart at around 200 kcal... but they're packed in foil packets of two! And my toaster has two slots! Coincidence? Or SUPER OVEREATING MEGA-MARKETING GENIUS?

I'll let you make up your own mindpe.


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER THREE: CRUMPETS



Crumpets, I've found, harbour some confusion. Some people see crumpets as the flat pancake-like porous sweet treat, and technically they ARE crumpets, but they are also pikelets. Pikelets are also pancakes, which is a term you can also attribute to crepes.

But enough about crap that's related to crap. The crumpets I'm on about are the savoury porous type you toast and then put an entire block of butter on.

Yes, the magical honeycomb-composition of the crumpet ensures the maximum saturation of oil physically possible by any food in this realm; like some kind of of black hole sponge bread.

"Black Hole Sponge" has now got me singing the song "Blackhole Sun" with altered lyrics, to myself. Shit. Now that's going to be stuck in my head with the wrong lyrics forever, much like "This ain't a scene, it's a God-Damned-Arse-Face."


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER TWO: TOAST



Did I hear a gasp from the back? "Toast should be number one! Toast is the QUINTESSENTIAL toaster food! I mean, it's called TOAST, FUGGODSAKES!"

Well, toast IS an incredible thing. Potentially a vehicle for any manner of toppings, toast can be a lovely sweet or a savoury breakfast, it can be the foundation of a dinner or even made into strips to use as novelty dunkers.

Topped with melted cheese, butter, scrambled eggs, jam, nutella, pate, beans... it doesn't matter, toast is the epic, flexible hero base of so many dishes, and is a cinch to prepare.

Why only number two? Well, topped toast may be incredible, but it is reliant on a companion to be a tasty treat. Even if it's just a spot of butter, lonely toast just needs SOMETHING to set it off. It's that bizarre phenomenon - Butter is fine, and Toast is fine, but when combined, they produce an incredible taste MEGAZORD which is far more than the sum of it's parts...


STUFF YOU MAKE IN THE TOASTER NUMBER ONE: POTATO WAFFLES



You could pretty much copy and paste everything I wrote before and apply it to a Birdseye Potato Waffle (minus the sweet stuff). "They're waffly versatile" is the tagline, and they're not lying. Topped or alone, potato waffles are king. And made in a toaster, they get a crispy crunch which is equal to that of toast, but with the added soft yumciousness of fluffy mashed potato. It's like having toast with mashed tattie in the middle... IN EVERY SLICE. It's like Carb Nirvana. If only they made Birdseye Potato, Pasta and Rice Waffles, and then we could have every carb taste experience all at once!

The grid-like pattern ensures that if you top with egg or beans, there will ALWAYS be some welcome residual hidey-food to be had even when you think you've finished.

Finally, for the more creative souls amongst you, the waffle, when cut into pieces, can form various shapes of "Potato Tetris Blocks" which can then be reformed into anything you like in a Lego-esque experience of delightful foodplay.

They also make great air vent covers for Secret Potato Underground Research Facilities.



So, did you agree with my choices? What would you like to propose a toast to? Let me know below, chaps and chapettes!

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life



Ah, if only life was a videogame. Sure, there'd be a lot of totally bizarre crap to contend with, but there'd be an equal amount of beneficial aspects too; think of all the unique, superhuman, or just plain mental exertions available to you!

So here are my Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life!

STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER FIVE: BREAKING ALL YOUR BONES BY THROWING YOURSELF OFF CLIFFTOPS AND BUILDINGS... FOR A LAUGH



Sure, you can do this in real life... but not really for a laugh. If anything, I would be slightly miffed to have broken all of my bones from a conscious decision to throw myself from an incredibly high place.

But in games, it's brilliant to find that elusive, deadly spot, chuck yourself from it, and crumple into a pile of shattered person-debris, and cackle like a sadistic cockatoo.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER FOUR: HIDE FOR THIRTY SECONDS AND ALL IS FORGIVEN



THE ENTIRE BASE IS ON HIGH ALERT!

EVERYONE IS OUT TO KILL YOU!

WATCH OUT, TIME TO DIE!

DIE, DIE, D...

Actually, the allocated thirty seconds have passed now, and as such, nobody cares any longer. Everyone returns to normal. You're free, no repercussions, no negatives to speak of.

Imagine if in real life, you could steal, lie, kick a small toddler in the groin, and merely have to hide for a little bit - then return to a bunch of smiling, accepting faces!

Relationship arguments would be a thing of the past! Argument occurring? Merely go for a pee, and return... by the time you get back, it'll be LURRVE CITAYY.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER THREE: SAVE/LOAD



Made a mistake in life choices? Did you order the chicken when your partner's monkfish looks ten times tastier? RELOAD FROM QUICKSAVE!

Need to do something but the task at hand is looming? Simply save up and load up the scenario later!

Hate your boss? Quick-save, punch him in the neck, savour, wait for him to call the police whilst you shit on his desk, then load up your original save! SAVOUR THE HAPPENINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED!


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER TWO: EAT TO HEAL





Just been stabbed? Need to get to the Infirmary so you don't bleed to death? Internal rupturing causing you to hallucinate about bright lights pulling you in?

Oh, it's cool. You've got that ham salad sandwich from Marks and Sparks. Just eat that. Your wounds are healed. Still got a bit of a headache? Tunnocks Teacake.

None of this "Chicken soup will heal what ails ya!" nonsense. Food should PROPERLY and INSTANTLY heal you up! I should be able to open a tin of Heinz and that arm I lost in Vietnam just grows the fuck back.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER ONE: FORWARD ROLL PERPETUALLY, EVEN UP STAIRS



Oh, come on - how can you contest this? Forward rolling is badass. People who forward roll are instantly cool, and the ability to forward roll continuously, faster than you can run? Those guys get ALL the girls.

And doing it UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS? Have you ever even tried to forward-roll DOWN a flight of stairs?! Jesus. Stairs are fucking JAGGY. We're talking thrusting your cranium down into the floor at tremendous speed here all for the sake of the forward roll, and that, my friends, is one noble-as-hell cause right there.


What?! You disagree with something? Well, Comment!!

What would you have differently in YOUR Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life?




Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Top Five of: Most Infuriating Game Design Choices



Videogames can have brilliant concepts. Concepts which break all traditions and create scenarios completely unseen (and... unplayed).

But executed in a poor way, through poor game mechanic choices or some dated, frustrating design documents, even the most incredible concepts can be utterly annihilated and relegated to being practices in utter tedium.

So here, I state Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Most Infuriating Game Design Choices!


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER FIVE: OBLIGATORY SEWER LEVEL



Y'know, I can endure the obligatory fire level that probably takes place inside a volcano and has insta-death lava all over the place. I can even endure the infuriating obligatory ice level, where traction is reduced to a slippy, sliding nightmare. I can even make my peace with the obligatory crap warehouse level, simply because you're assured the presence of crates, and breaking crates is at least a diversion to boredom.

But WHY do game designers insist on using the obligatory sewer level? NOBODY wants to be traversing through a sewer. No matter which game, this is likely to just be a long series of dark corridors, a canal of shite punctuated by gratings. The laziest, most boring of places conceivable used as the canvas to convey the artful entertainment that should be enjoyed within a videoGAME. GAME.

Y'know. Game implies fun. What's fun about being as bored as being in a dentist's waiting room with the only thing to look at is a shit-slathered corridor?


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER FOUR: FORCED ON-RAILS SHOOTER SECTION



"Get on that Turret, Rookie!" shouts your AI partner.

Uh-oh. Methinks that we're going to jump into a car or a spaceship or something, a checkpoint will activate, and I'm going to be needlessly locked into this seat for a nice, heavily-scripted FORCED ON-RAILS SHOOTING SECTION.

Stripped of mobility and unable to do normal stuff like heal at will, the on-rails shooter section merely sends swathes of enemies your way, breaking the pace and gameplay flow of the overall game and often causing an unnecessary difficulty spike inconsistent with the other levels.

The frustration is heightened knowing that in real life (or in fact, if it was during the game at any other point and you'd hopped into the turret), if you sustain damage you could dive out and run for cover in order to heal up. But in the forced on-rails shooter section, no, someone has stapled you nice and tight into that seat and you WILL sit and be ripped to shreds.


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER THREE: FORCED STEALTH SECTION IN A NON-STEALTH GAME



If there's one thing worse than a forced on-rails shooting section which may last a few minutes, it's a damned FORCED STEALTH SECTION. Now, I don't mean Tenchu or Splinter Cell where stealth is actually the game, but I'm referring to forced stealth missions in NON-STEALTH games; where up until this point you've been happy-blasting everything in sight and now, if you get seen once, back to the start of the level!

Completely game-flow-breaking, who on earth thought, "hey, y'know what I'd love? See this action game we made with all this action in it? Wouldn't it be nice if one level, we had no action whatsoever and if the enemy sees you all your progress is for nothing? Also we could have the AI glitch now and again to deviate from their normal programming paths so sometimes they can cheat and see you through things."

Honestly. STOP CREATING THESE SECTIONS. Slowing down plus zero action is like saying "How do we make chocolate better? Okay, let's take out the sugar and the cocoa. In fact, take out everything and just put some lovely gruel in the wrapper there."


MOST INFURIATING GAME CHOICES NUMBER TWO: QUICK TIME EVENTS




I won't even vent about how lazy, frustrating nor entirely un-fun these are. "They're so you can be involved in a cool cutscene!" they cry. Well, I can't fucking watch it, can I? I'm watching the middle of the screen for what button I have to hit so the last twenty minutes of this boss battle aren't for fucking nothing.

Whatever happened to performing the satisfying last blow yourself?

QTEs, basically flashing button icons on-screen that require you to press the corresponding button on the pad - these were fun in Shenmue. Because there were little to no repercussions; effectively, you just started the QTE scenario again (and they often had humorous consequences like Ryo being hit in the balls by a football).

Nowadays, full battles can be fought in QTE format, lasting several minutes, with one mistake causing you to not only have to restart the QTE section but the ENTIRE real-time action section you'd endured prior to it.

Lazy, frustrating, utterly devoid of fun.


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER ONE: PROTECT, DEFEND, ESCORT MISSIONS



Hands down, the single worst game design choice you can make for your game is to have a Protect/Defend/Escort mission.

The problem is, you rely wholly that the AI will be compliant with you and not be a total dick. But inevitably, they will run into danger, actively cause issues, and generally be a pain in the arse snagging on scenery as the enemies corner-rape them and you fight for the next twenty minutes whilst they path-find their way out of the most trivial situations.

There're the survivors in Dead Rising that think they can fight, and so target one zombie in between an entire horde, run for it, push it gently, then screech for you to help as he's torn to pieces. There's Gohda in Tenchu, where if he gets hit even ONE TIME, you fail the entire mission. Did I mention he can only hobble like a sedated peg-leg tortoise?

Then there's the inevitability that only the AI character can open certain doors. SO FRUSTRATING. I can blow up walls, but I can't proceed until that AI character walks beside it to kick it in? Where is he right now? OH THAT'S RIGHT. He's spotted an enemy glitched through the next area and is still in "alert" mode, and refuses to follow his game logic now. Great.

Only one health pack left? Oh nice, I see you've taken the initiative to run into a group of enemies and stand still, using the T-Rex mentality of "I assume their vision is movement-based."

No, AI partner, they are Al-Qaeda. And they are shooting you in the neck.

*Uses last health pack on AI*

*AI Character stands in same place shouting inappropriate taunts such as "Hardly a scratch!" and "Did you see that!" just to cause teeth-gritting fury*



So, how do these stack up compared to your own list of Most Infuriating Game Design Choices?

Let me know, chap-a-raps!

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Top Five of: Discontinued Biscuits


Everyone loves a good biscuit. Whether for dunking into tea, packed away into a lunchbox or merely as another thing to cause a child-like tantrum over if you don't get 'em, biscuits are a must-have in any household.

They all receive praise in their own ways. The humble rich Tea and Nice Biscuit sit at the bottom of the biscuit barrel and are revered for their consistency and reliability; you know that the loyal Digestive will be there for you if you go to the supermarket tomorrow or in twenty years. However, some are passing phases. Some are flash-in-the-pan, marketing ploys, "quick-fix sales" biscuits. They appear for a year then disappear in a flash. Some long-standing favourites will fall by the wayside due to cruel corporate takeovers and disappear into the ether.

It's these long-gone biscuits that I have mulled over, considering... what are my Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Discontinues Biscuits?


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER FIVE: MINT AND TOFFEE YO-YOS



I couldn't even find a picture of these, they're THAT cruelly forgotten - so I have instead pictured a Viscount, which is the closest living relative of the mighty Yoyo biscuit.

Produced by Burton Biscuits, the Yoyo was essentially the lovechild of a Viscount biscuit and a Toffypop, but tastier than that sum of parts. Featuring a crumbly shortcake/digestive-like hybrid biscuit, topped with a disc of chewy toffee or mint fondant, then entirely coated in milk chocolate, this was a creamier, sweeter proposition than the more "adult" Viscount (said whilst moving eyebrows up and down and elbowing you in the ribs... eh? eh?) but more substantial and decadent than the Toffypop.

Apparently these were discontinued due to risk of induction of cancer through ingestion... cancer biscuits?! That said, EVERYTHING apparently causes cancer nowadays, so it makes little difference. "Try to limit your breathing throughout the day, as it may cause cancer." Yeah, I'm not going to do that. And, given the opportunity again, I would not abstain from munching an entire packet of these either.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER FOUR: 5-4-3-2-1



The Cadbury's Boost of the biscuit world, the 5-4-3-2-1 attempted to cram absolutely EVERYTHING POSSIBLE into a delicious wafer-based concoction which, as a child, gave me a truly terrifying burst of energy I used to cause turbo-mischief.

Chocolate, Wafer, Rice Krispies, Chocolate Fondant and Chewy Toffee were the five components that made up this creation, like a Tunnock's Wafer did a Dragonball Z Fusion Dance with a Toffee Crisp or something.

The catchy advert mixed with the absurd amount of sugar were an unstoppable selling force and as such, these were a staple in our cupboards.

Discontinued due to having too much sugar per 100g, 5-4-3-2-1 was a totally substantial, rebellious "I've got it all" lunchbox biscuit that everyone would want to trade you their crap apple for, and you would respond with stifled "are you serious?!" laughter.

No, you may not have this biscuit. Get better parents.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER THREE: BISC&




Perhaps the most recently-discontinued product in this top five, the Mars Bisc& range is apparently still available in very specific European regions, but has been gone since the mid-noughties here in Blighty.

Effectively described as thin biscuity canals, the indentations were filled with Mars favourite bars-inspired concoctions; Mars variants had chocolate, nougat and caramel, Bounty variants with chocolate and coconut, M&Ms variants with chocolate and scattered M&Ms, and Twix variants with... erm... chocolate and caramel.

The latter one, I could never fully understand as it was basically just a Twix chocolate bar... flattened. However... these simply worked. With the biscuit layer itself having the consistency of a soft fine shortbread, they took on the same charm as when a family member makes their own Millionaire's Shortbread but chucks in Galaxy chocolate or something - it's like, "How do I make something awesome... better? Oh! That's right... melt down MARS BARS and chuck it in there!" It is a logic you can apply to anything.*

This logic does not apply to chicken dishes. This logic only applies to some scenarios involving spouses.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER TWO: TRIO



"I want a Trio, and I want one now!"

That was how the slogan went, and that was absolutely the only way to describe the insatiable urge to have one.

A three-sectioned caramel biscuit coated in chocolate, this had a number of truly unique features... albeit subtle ones. For starters, the chocolate was absurdly thick. We're talking, Yorkie-thick. But creamy and melty, in a perplexingly perfect way. Secondly, despite being sectioned into three parts, breaking one section off did not result in one self-contained piece - the biscuit and caramel ran throughout the bar with no breaks, meaning this was a caramel-tae-the-max bar, one which would cause the "Caramel beard" if bitten into (when you drag a string of caramel off, it flicks off all over your chin, like you used to get with old-style Cadbury Caramel, Curly Wurly or Chomps).

Trios were discontinued due to corporate liquidation/takeover with the relevant factory responsible being a casualty of war.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS TAKE THE GOOD ONES?! GOD, WHY DO YOU NEVER STRIKE DOWN THE MURDERERS AND RAPISTS OF THE BISCUIT WORLD?**


**See: Lincoln Biscuits.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER ONE: CARTOONIES



The absolute best, most-missed, incredible biscuits gone forever are Burton's Cartoonies. Five pence coin-sized biscuits filled with soft chocolate and printed with a cartoon animal, these were packed as snack-sized bags in multipacks of 8. However, they probably shouldn't have bothered; simply open every bag and tip it into the big multipack bag, and eat them all in a single sitting, then nip yourself REALLY HARD to induce tears so your mum, dad or guardian not otherwise specified will go and buy you some more.

Repeat until sickness.

One of my favourite memories was travelling to the local Finefare supermarket with Gran and Gramps and dashing ahead, returning to the trolley with the multipack of Cartoonies, and getting one packet opened to eat whilst we walked around the shop. Yes, these were so irresistible that I craved them before I even got them out of the damned shop.

Nowadays, there is nothing *quite* as good, and many will say "that sounds like Hello Panda Biscuits!" - but no, those are nowhere near the taste or composition/consistency/shape of a Cartoonie.



In fact, the only product available which even comes close to the bliss experienced from Burton's Cartoonies could be Lotte Kancho, an import product which is frustratingly-close-but-not-quite-perfect in terms of similarity. In a way, because they're so similar but aren't quite 100% Cartoonie, it makes me even angrier!

And you do not like to see me BISCUIT ANGRY. That's the worst KIND of angry.


So what about you? Mad about Jaspers? Desperate to re-munch Munchmallows? What's your Top Five of: Discontinued Biscuits?

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Top Five of: Board Games That Take Longer To Set Up Than Play



In the world of the board game, there can be no denying that many an hour can be spent socialising within the family environment, inciting some gentle arguments and some thinly-veiled tensions to be brought to light.

But some games do not follow this trend. Instead of being a game you can play with your friends and family for several hours, there are some games that take up your time with the mere SET-UP TIME. Then, you'll find once the game commences, it's over in a flash!

Picture it: It's Christmas morning, and little Sally-Alan has just received a fun game that Mummy-Santa purchased for her. However, it is now Daddy-Santa's job to sit for half an hour setting it up, only for Sally-Alan to play and end the game within ten minutes, and request it be set up all over again. This is likely why Daddy-Santa and Mummy-Santa no longer play any bedroom reindeer games.


So here we go: Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Board Games That Take Longer To Set Up Than To Play!


BOARD GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER FIVE: OPERATION



Ah, the family game featuring a nude man dismembered in various capacities. Wholesome.

God knows what illness or ailment caused his current condition because needless to say, this dude is in a bad way to require a surgeon remove roughly 30 percent of his innards.

Musings aside, Operation is by no means the worst offender in my list, merely requiring you to fussily find and place all the relevant body parts and place them in their respective cavities on the soon-to-be-cadaver. But with a steady hand, games of Operation can be over fairly quickly.

Extra set-up time should be set aside for the inevitability that the super-awkward-square-battery-the-corner-shop-doesn't-sell in the main unit has been totally expended, sitting idle in the cupboard for the past six years untouched and leaking all over the gaff.


BOARD GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER FOUR: MOUSETRAP



Let's face it... nobody really played Mousetrap for the game itself. The novelty lay in setting up the domino-like chain of events which ultimately lead to the titular mouse-trappage. But this is a fussy and intricate affair requiring things to be placed just so.

So once things are all set up, and you're ready to go, do you go and assemble a group of buddies to play?

Well, no.

You give in to temptation and start the sequence off manually, watch the mouse get trapped, and realise that's pretty much the only excitement this board game is actually going to give you. From there, it's just a short walk to hall-cupboardsville.


GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER THREE: KERPLUNK



Kerplunk is a weird one. For starters, it's not really all that fun. It's a game about pulling straws out of a tube.

All there is to it is... take turns to remove straws from the tube which are consequently holding up various marbles. If you drop the marbles, instead of the collectibles being points, they are little glass pearls of shame and woe. The more you accrue, the worse you do.

Only, set up requires you to individually thread each straw through a random initial hole, then through to another random adjacent hole. As positioning needs to take into account every straw, it is inevitable that set up can literally never take less time than playing time.

Also there'll always be some stupid dick that knocks it, jostling the tube and marbles and ultimately rendering all previous turns pointless.

Another in this "Pulling shit out of other shit" subgenre includes "Jenga" which is incidentally less colourful but marginally more fun. Proving that beige can in fact, be cool.


BOARD GAMES THAT TAKE LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER TWO: BUCKAROO



Buckaroo is a total dick.

Let me explain. Whilst Buckaroo may well be a quick set-up the first few times you play it, after a few "bucks", the elastic-powered lock mechanism in the temperamental little ass start to get a bit... lax-a-daisy. Flimsy.

So every consecutive game of Buckaroo becomes exponentially longer to set up, because you have to find that "sweet spot" where pressing his kicking back legs down sets him in place so you can begin the game of placing various crap all over him.

This ultimately makes the playtime of the game lessen too, as it gets easier and easier to trigger his "buck" motion.

I reckon this is a metaphor of how the creature slowly but surely gets less and less tolerant in real life until eventually he just becomes a defiant bastard in a perpetual kick-fury.


BOARD GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER ONE: PERFECTION




Perfection is one of those weird games that someone out there is playing alone and getting *really* good at it. *scary* good.

The setup trauma in this case comes from the fact you're likely going to forget what this game does and try to play it in the car or some shit. You turn the timer, start the countdown and then furiously try to get the pieces into their respective slots before the game THRUSTS them into your face in a massive "FUCK YOU, FAILURE!"

But in doing this, it also thrusts those little yellow pieces all over the place, into nooks and crannies you didn't know existed in the vicinity, leaving you looking at the box and trying to marry up the picture of every... single... piece with their real life counterparts to ensure you have everything you need for the next go.

"...fifteen... sixteen... right, we've only got sixteen here. Which one are we missing? The wee rainbow-looking one? No, we've got that one. Which one is it? Okay, we've got the "S" shape, we've got the cross..."

And this is how the next ten to fifteen minutes plays out.

The game takes less than one minute to play. GREAT.


Do you have different Board Game Setup experiences? Does it take you forever to set up a game of Hungry Hippos or Screwball Scramble? Comments below!