Top Five of: Discontinued Biscuits

Everyone loves a good biscuit. Whether for dunking into tea, packed away into a lunchbox or merely as another thing to cause a child-like tantrum over if you don't get 'em, biscuits are a must-have in any household.

They all receive praise in their own ways. The humble rich Tea and Nice Biscuit sit at the bottom of the biscuit barrel and are revered for their consistency and reliability; you know that the loyal Digestive will be there for you if you go to the supermarket tomorrow or in twenty years. However, some are passing phases. Some are flash-in-the-pan, marketing ploys, "quick-fix sales" biscuits. They appear for a year then disappear in a flash. Some long-standing favourites will fall by the wayside due to cruel corporate takeovers and disappear into the ether.

It's these long-gone biscuits that I have mulled over, considering... what are my Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Discontinues Biscuits?


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER FIVE: MINT AND TOFFEE YO-YOS



I couldn't even find a picture of these, they're THAT cruelly forgotten - so I have instead pictured a Viscount, which is the closest living relative of the mighty Yoyo biscuit.

Produced by Burton Biscuits, the Yoyo was essentially the lovechild of a Viscount biscuit and a Toffypop, but tastier than that sum of parts. Featuring a crumbly shortcake/digestive-like hybrid biscuit, topped with a disc of chewy toffee or mint fondant, then entirely coated in milk chocolate, this was a creamier, sweeter proposition than the more "adult" Viscount (said whilst moving eyebrows up and down and elbowing you in the ribs... eh? eh?) but more substantial and decadent than the Toffypop.

Apparently these were discontinued due to risk of induction of cancer through ingestion... cancer biscuits?! That said, EVERYTHING apparently causes cancer nowadays, so it makes little difference. "Try to limit your breathing throughout the day, as it may cause cancer." Yeah, I'm not going to do that. And, given the opportunity again, I would not abstain from munching an entire packet of these either.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER FOUR: 5-4-3-2-1



The Cadbury's Boost of the biscuit world, the 5-4-3-2-1 attempted to cram absolutely EVERYTHING POSSIBLE into a delicious wafer-based concoction which, as a child, gave me a truly terrifying burst of energy I used to cause turbo-mischief.

Chocolate, Wafer, Rice Krispies, Chocolate Fondant and Chewy Toffee were the five components that made up this creation, like a Tunnock's Wafer did a Dragonball Z Fusion Dance with a Toffee Crisp or something.

The catchy advert mixed with the absurd amount of sugar were an unstoppable selling force and as such, these were a staple in our cupboards.

Discontinued due to having too much sugar per 100g, 5-4-3-2-1 was a totally substantial, rebellious "I've got it all" lunchbox biscuit that everyone would want to trade you their crap apple for, and you would respond with stifled "are you serious?!" laughter.

No, you may not have this biscuit. Get better parents.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER THREE: BISC&



Perhaps the most recently-discontinued product in this top five, the Mars Bisc& range is apparently still available in very specific European regions, but has been gone since the mid-noughties here in Blighty.

Effectively described as thin biscuity canals, the indentations were filled with Mars favourite bars-inspired concoctions; Mars variants had chocolate, nougat and caramel, Bounty variants with chocolate and coconut, M&Ms variants with chocolate and scattered M&Ms, and Twix variants with... erm... chocolate and caramel.

The latter one, I could never fully understand as it was basically just a Twix chocolate bar... flattened. However... these simply worked. With the biscuit layer itself having the consistency of a soft fine shortbread, they took on the same charm as when a family member makes their own Millionaire's Shortbread but chucks in Galaxy chocolate or something - it's like, "How do I make something awesome... better? Oh! That's right... melt down MARS BARS and chuck it in there!" It is a logic you can apply to anything.*

This logic does not apply to chicken dishes. This logic only applies to some scenarios involving spouses.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER TWO: TRIO



"I want a Trio, and I want one now!"

That was how the slogan went, and that was absolutely the only way to describe the insatiable urge to have one.

A three-sectioned caramel biscuit coated in chocolate, this had a number of truly unique features... albeit subtle ones. For starters, the chocolate was absurdly thick. We're talking, Yorkie-thick. But creamy and melty, in a perplexingly perfect way. Secondly, despite being sectioned into three parts, breaking one section off did not result in one self-contained piece - the biscuit and caramel ran throughout the bar with no breaks, meaning this was a caramel-tae-the-max bar, one which would cause the "Caramel beard" if bitten into (when you drag a string of caramel off, it flicks off all over your chin, like you used to get with old-style Cadbury Caramel, Curly Wurly or Chomps).

Trios were discontinued due to corporate liquidation/takeover with the relevant factory responsible being a casualty of war.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS TAKE THE GOOD ONES?! GOD, WHY DO YOU NEVER STRIKE DOWN THE MURDERERS AND RAPISTS OF THE BISCUIT WORLD?**


**See: Lincoln Biscuits.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER ONE: CARTOONIES



The absolute best, most-missed, incredible biscuits gone forever are Burton's Cartoonies. Five pence coin-sized biscuits filled with soft chocolate and printed with a cartoon animal, these were packed as snack-sized bags in multipacks of 8. However, they probably shouldn't have bothered; simply open every bag and tip it into the big multipack bag, and eat them all in a single sitting, then nip yourself REALLY HARD to induce tears so your mum, dad or guardian not otherwise specified will go and buy you some more.

Repeat until sickness.

One of my favourite memories was travelling to the local Finefare supermarket with Gran and Gramps and dashing ahead, returning to the trolley with the multipack of Cartoonies, and getting one packet opened to eat whilst we walked around the shop. Yes, these were so irresistible that I craved them before I even got them out of the damned shop.

Nowadays, there is nothing *quite* as good, and many will say "that sounds like Hello Panda Biscuits!" - but no, those are nowhere near the taste or composition/consistency/shape of a Cartoonie.



In fact, the only product available which even comes close to the bliss experienced from Burton's Cartoonies could be Lotte Kancho, an import product which is frustratingly-close-but-not-quite-perfect in terms of similarity. In a way, because they're so similar but aren't quite 100% Cartoonie, it makes me even angrier!

And you do not like to see me BISCUIT ANGRY. That's the worst KIND of angry.


So what about you? Mad about Jaspers? Desperate to re-munch Munchmallows? What's your Top Five of: Discontinued Biscuits?