Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life

Ah, if only life was a videogame. Sure, there'd be a lot of totally bizarre crap to contend with, but there'd be an equal amount of beneficial aspects too; think of all the unique, superhuman, or just plain mental exertions available to you!

So here are my Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life!

STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER FIVE: BREAKING ALL YOUR BONES BY THROWING YOURSELF OFF CLIFFTOPS AND BUILDINGS... FOR A LAUGH



Sure, you can do this in real life... but not really for a laugh. If anything, I would be slightly miffed to have broken all of my bones from a conscious decision to throw myself from an incredibly high place.

But in games, it's brilliant to find that elusive, deadly spot, chuck yourself from it, and crumple into a pile of shattered person-debris, and cackle like a sadistic cockatoo.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER FOUR: HIDE FOR THIRTY SECONDS AND ALL IS FORGIVEN



THE ENTIRE BASE IS ON HIGH ALERT!

EVERYONE IS OUT TO KILL YOU!

WATCH OUT, TIME TO DIE!

DIE, DIE, D...

Actually, the allocated thirty seconds have passed now, and as such, nobody cares any longer. Everyone returns to normal. You're free, no repercussions, no negatives to speak of.

Imagine if in real life, you could steal, lie, kick a small toddler in the groin, and merely have to hide for a little bit - then return to a bunch of smiling, accepting faces!

Relationship arguments would be a thing of the past! Argument occurring? Merely go for a pee, and return... by the time you get back, it'll be LURRVE CITAYY.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER THREE: SAVE/LOAD



Made a mistake in life choices? Did you order the chicken when your partner's monkfish looks ten times tastier? RELOAD FROM QUICKSAVE!

Need to do something but the task at hand is looming? Simply save up and load up the scenario later!

Hate your boss? Quick-save, punch him in the neck, savour, wait for him to call the police whilst you shit on his desk, then load up your original save! SAVOUR THE HAPPENINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED!


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER TWO: EAT TO HEAL




Just been stabbed? Need to get to the Infirmary so you don't bleed to death? Internal rupturing causing you to hallucinate about bright lights pulling you in?

Oh, it's cool. You've got that ham salad sandwich from Marks and Sparks. Just eat that. Your wounds are healed. Still got a bit of a headache? Tunnocks Teacake.

None of this "Chicken soup will heal what ails ya!" nonsense. Food should PROPERLY and INSTANTLY heal you up! I should be able to open a tin of Heinz and that arm I lost in Vietnam just grows the fuck back.


STUFF FROM VIDEOGAMES YOU CAN'T DO IN REAL LIFE NUMBER ONE: FORWARD ROLL PERPETUALLY, EVEN UP STAIRS



Oh, come on - how can you contest this? Forward rolling is badass. People who forward roll are instantly cool, and the ability to forward roll continuously, faster than you can run? Those guys get ALL the girls.

And doing it UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS? Have you ever even tried to forward-roll DOWN a flight of stairs?! Jesus. Stairs are fucking JAGGY. We're talking thrusting your cranium down into the floor at tremendous speed here all for the sake of the forward roll, and that, my friends, is one noble-as-hell cause right there.


What?! You disagree with something? Well, Comment!!

What would you have differently in YOUR Top Five of: Stuff From Videogames You Can't Do In Real Life?

Top Five of: Most Infuriating Game Design Choices

Videogames can have brilliant concepts. Concepts which break all traditions and create scenarios completely unseen (and... unplayed).

But executed in a poor way, through poor game mechanic choices or some dated, frustrating design documents, even the most incredible concepts can be utterly annihilated and relegated to being practices in utter tedium.

So here, I state Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Most Infuriating Game Design Choices!


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER FIVE: OBLIGATORY SEWER LEVEL



Y'know, I can endure the obligatory fire level that probably takes place inside a volcano and has insta-death lava all over the place. I can even endure the infuriating obligatory ice level, where traction is reduced to a slippy, sliding nightmare. I can even make my peace with the obligatory crap warehouse level, simply because you're assured the presence of crates, and breaking crates is at least a diversion to boredom.

But WHY do game designers insist on using the obligatory sewer level? NOBODY wants to be traversing through a sewer. No matter which game, this is likely to just be a long series of dark corridors, a canal of shite punctuated by gratings. The laziest, most boring of places conceivable used as the canvas to convey the artful entertainment that should be enjoyed within a videoGAME. GAME.

Y'know. Game implies fun. What's fun about being as bored as being in a dentist's waiting room with the only thing to look at is a shit-slathered corridor?


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER FOUR: FORCED ON-RAILS SHOOTER SECTION



"Get on that Turret, Rookie!" shouts your AI partner.

Uh-oh. Methinks that we're going to jump into a car or a spaceship or something, a checkpoint will activate, and I'm going to be needlessly locked into this seat for a nice, heavily-scripted FORCED ON-RAILS SHOOTING SECTION.

Stripped of mobility and unable to do normal stuff like heal at will, the on-rails shooter section merely sends swathes of enemies your way, breaking the pace and gameplay flow of the overall game and often causing an unnecessary difficulty spike inconsistent with the other levels.

The frustration is heightened knowing that in real life (or in fact, if it was during the game at any other point and you'd hopped into the turret), if you sustain damage you could dive out and run for cover in order to heal up. But in the forced on-rails shooter section, no, someone has stapled you nice and tight into that seat and you WILL sit and be ripped to shreds.


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER THREE: FORCED STEALTH SECTION IN A NON-STEALTH GAME



If there's one thing worse than a forced on-rails shooting section which may last a few minutes, it's a damned FORCED STEALTH SECTION. Now, I don't mean Tenchu or Splinter Cell where stealth is actually the game, but I'm referring to forced stealth missions in NON-STEALTH games; where up until this point you've been happy-blasting everything in sight and now, if you get seen once, back to the start of the level!

Completely game-flow-breaking, who on earth thought, "hey, y'know what I'd love? See this action game we made with all this action in it? Wouldn't it be nice if one level, we had no action whatsoever and if the enemy sees you all your progress is for nothing? Also we could have the AI glitch now and again to deviate from their normal programming paths so sometimes they can cheat and see you through things."

Honestly. STOP CREATING THESE SECTIONS. Slowing down plus zero action is like saying "How do we make chocolate better? Okay, let's take out the sugar and the cocoa. In fact, take out everything and just put some lovely gruel in the wrapper there."


MOST INFURIATING GAME CHOICES NUMBER TWO: QUICK TIME EVENTS




I won't even vent about how lazy, frustrating nor entirely un-fun these are. "They're so you can be involved in a cool cutscene!" they cry. Well, I can't fucking watch it, can I? I'm watching the middle of the screen for what button I have to hit so the last twenty minutes of this boss battle aren't for fucking nothing.

Whatever happened to performing the satisfying last blow yourself?

QTEs, basically flashing button icons on-screen that require you to press the corresponding button on the pad - these were fun in Shenmue. Because there were little to no repercussions; effectively, you just started the QTE scenario again (and they often had humorous consequences like Ryo being hit in the balls by a football).

Nowadays, full battles can be fought in QTE format, lasting several minutes, with one mistake causing you to not only have to restart the QTE section but the ENTIRE real-time action section you'd endured prior to it.

Lazy, frustrating, utterly devoid of fun.


MOST INFURIATING GAME DESIGN CHOICE NUMBER ONE: PROTECT, DEFEND, ESCORT MISSIONS



Hands down, the single worst game design choice you can make for your game is to have a Protect/Defend/Escort mission.

The problem is, you rely wholly that the AI will be compliant with you and not be a total dick. But inevitably, they will run into danger, actively cause issues, and generally be a pain in the arse snagging on scenery as the enemies corner-rape them and you fight for the next twenty minutes whilst they path-find their way out of the most trivial situations.

There're the survivors in Dead Rising that think they can fight, and so target one zombie in between an entire horde, run for it, push it gently, then screech for you to help as he's torn to pieces. There's Gohda in Tenchu, where if he gets hit even ONE TIME, you fail the entire mission. Did I mention he can only hobble like a sedated peg-leg tortoise?

Then there's the inevitability that only the AI character can open certain doors. SO FRUSTRATING. I can blow up walls, but I can't proceed until that AI character walks beside it to kick it in? Where is he right now? OH THAT'S RIGHT. He's spotted an enemy glitched through the next area and is still in "alert" mode, and refuses to follow his game logic now. Great.

Only one health pack left? Oh nice, I see you've taken the initiative to run into a group of enemies and stand still, using the T-Rex mentality of "I assume their vision is movement-based."

No, AI partner, they are Al-Qaeda. And they are shooting you in the neck.

*Uses last health pack on AI*

*AI Character stands in same place shouting inappropriate taunts such as "Hardly a scratch!" and "Did you see that!" just to cause teeth-gritting fury*



So, how do these stack up compared to your own list of Most Infuriating Game Design Choices?

Let me know, chap-a-raps!

Top Five of: Discontinued Biscuits

Everyone loves a good biscuit. Whether for dunking into tea, packed away into a lunchbox or merely as another thing to cause a child-like tantrum over if you don't get 'em, biscuits are a must-have in any household.

They all receive praise in their own ways. The humble rich Tea and Nice Biscuit sit at the bottom of the biscuit barrel and are revered for their consistency and reliability; you know that the loyal Digestive will be there for you if you go to the supermarket tomorrow or in twenty years. However, some are passing phases. Some are flash-in-the-pan, marketing ploys, "quick-fix sales" biscuits. They appear for a year then disappear in a flash. Some long-standing favourites will fall by the wayside due to cruel corporate takeovers and disappear into the ether.

It's these long-gone biscuits that I have mulled over, considering... what are my Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Discontinues Biscuits?


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER FIVE: MINT AND TOFFEE YO-YOS



I couldn't even find a picture of these, they're THAT cruelly forgotten - so I have instead pictured a Viscount, which is the closest living relative of the mighty Yoyo biscuit.

Produced by Burton Biscuits, the Yoyo was essentially the lovechild of a Viscount biscuit and a Toffypop, but tastier than that sum of parts. Featuring a crumbly shortcake/digestive-like hybrid biscuit, topped with a disc of chewy toffee or mint fondant, then entirely coated in milk chocolate, this was a creamier, sweeter proposition than the more "adult" Viscount (said whilst moving eyebrows up and down and elbowing you in the ribs... eh? eh?) but more substantial and decadent than the Toffypop.

Apparently these were discontinued due to risk of induction of cancer through ingestion... cancer biscuits?! That said, EVERYTHING apparently causes cancer nowadays, so it makes little difference. "Try to limit your breathing throughout the day, as it may cause cancer." Yeah, I'm not going to do that. And, given the opportunity again, I would not abstain from munching an entire packet of these either.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER FOUR: 5-4-3-2-1



The Cadbury's Boost of the biscuit world, the 5-4-3-2-1 attempted to cram absolutely EVERYTHING POSSIBLE into a delicious wafer-based concoction which, as a child, gave me a truly terrifying burst of energy I used to cause turbo-mischief.

Chocolate, Wafer, Rice Krispies, Chocolate Fondant and Chewy Toffee were the five components that made up this creation, like a Tunnock's Wafer did a Dragonball Z Fusion Dance with a Toffee Crisp or something.

The catchy advert mixed with the absurd amount of sugar were an unstoppable selling force and as such, these were a staple in our cupboards.

Discontinued due to having too much sugar per 100g, 5-4-3-2-1 was a totally substantial, rebellious "I've got it all" lunchbox biscuit that everyone would want to trade you their crap apple for, and you would respond with stifled "are you serious?!" laughter.

No, you may not have this biscuit. Get better parents.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER THREE: BISC&



Perhaps the most recently-discontinued product in this top five, the Mars Bisc& range is apparently still available in very specific European regions, but has been gone since the mid-noughties here in Blighty.

Effectively described as thin biscuity canals, the indentations were filled with Mars favourite bars-inspired concoctions; Mars variants had chocolate, nougat and caramel, Bounty variants with chocolate and coconut, M&Ms variants with chocolate and scattered M&Ms, and Twix variants with... erm... chocolate and caramel.

The latter one, I could never fully understand as it was basically just a Twix chocolate bar... flattened. However... these simply worked. With the biscuit layer itself having the consistency of a soft fine shortbread, they took on the same charm as when a family member makes their own Millionaire's Shortbread but chucks in Galaxy chocolate or something - it's like, "How do I make something awesome... better? Oh! That's right... melt down MARS BARS and chuck it in there!" It is a logic you can apply to anything.*

This logic does not apply to chicken dishes. This logic only applies to some scenarios involving spouses.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER TWO: TRIO



"I want a Trio, and I want one now!"

That was how the slogan went, and that was absolutely the only way to describe the insatiable urge to have one.

A three-sectioned caramel biscuit coated in chocolate, this had a number of truly unique features... albeit subtle ones. For starters, the chocolate was absurdly thick. We're talking, Yorkie-thick. But creamy and melty, in a perplexingly perfect way. Secondly, despite being sectioned into three parts, breaking one section off did not result in one self-contained piece - the biscuit and caramel ran throughout the bar with no breaks, meaning this was a caramel-tae-the-max bar, one which would cause the "Caramel beard" if bitten into (when you drag a string of caramel off, it flicks off all over your chin, like you used to get with old-style Cadbury Caramel, Curly Wurly or Chomps).

Trios were discontinued due to corporate liquidation/takeover with the relevant factory responsible being a casualty of war.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS TAKE THE GOOD ONES?! GOD, WHY DO YOU NEVER STRIKE DOWN THE MURDERERS AND RAPISTS OF THE BISCUIT WORLD?**


**See: Lincoln Biscuits.


DISCONTINUED BISCUIT NUMBER ONE: CARTOONIES



The absolute best, most-missed, incredible biscuits gone forever are Burton's Cartoonies. Five pence coin-sized biscuits filled with soft chocolate and printed with a cartoon animal, these were packed as snack-sized bags in multipacks of 8. However, they probably shouldn't have bothered; simply open every bag and tip it into the big multipack bag, and eat them all in a single sitting, then nip yourself REALLY HARD to induce tears so your mum, dad or guardian not otherwise specified will go and buy you some more.

Repeat until sickness.

One of my favourite memories was travelling to the local Finefare supermarket with Gran and Gramps and dashing ahead, returning to the trolley with the multipack of Cartoonies, and getting one packet opened to eat whilst we walked around the shop. Yes, these were so irresistible that I craved them before I even got them out of the damned shop.

Nowadays, there is nothing *quite* as good, and many will say "that sounds like Hello Panda Biscuits!" - but no, those are nowhere near the taste or composition/consistency/shape of a Cartoonie.



In fact, the only product available which even comes close to the bliss experienced from Burton's Cartoonies could be Lotte Kancho, an import product which is frustratingly-close-but-not-quite-perfect in terms of similarity. In a way, because they're so similar but aren't quite 100% Cartoonie, it makes me even angrier!

And you do not like to see me BISCUIT ANGRY. That's the worst KIND of angry.


So what about you? Mad about Jaspers? Desperate to re-munch Munchmallows? What's your Top Five of: Discontinued Biscuits?

Top Five of: Board Games That Take Longer To Set Up Than Play

In the world of the board game, there can be no denying that many an hour can be spent socialising within the family environment, inciting some gentle arguments and some thinly-veiled tensions to be brought to light.

But some games do not follow this trend. Instead of being a game you can play with your friends and family for several hours, there are some games that take up your time with the mere SET-UP TIME. Then, you'll find once the game commences, it's over in a flash!

Picture it: It's Christmas morning, and little Sally-Alan has just received a fun game that Mummy-Santa purchased for her. However, it is now Daddy-Santa's job to sit for half an hour setting it up, only for Sally-Alan to play and end the game within ten minutes, and request it be set up all over again. This is likely why Daddy-Santa and Mummy-Santa no longer play any bedroom reindeer games.


So here we go: Turbo Toto's Top Five of: Board Games That Take Longer To Set Up Than To Play!


BOARD GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER FIVE: OPERATION



Ah, the family game featuring a nude man dismembered in various capacities. Wholesome.

God knows what illness or ailment caused his current condition because needless to say, this dude is in a bad way to require a surgeon remove roughly 30 percent of his innards.

Musings aside, Operation is by no means the worst offender in my list, merely requiring you to fussily find and place all the relevant body parts and place them in their respective cavities on the soon-to-be-cadaver. But with a steady hand, games of Operation can be over fairly quickly.

Extra set-up time should be set aside for the inevitability that the super-awkward-square-battery-the-corner-shop-doesn't-sell in the main unit has been totally expended, sitting idle in the cupboard for the past six years untouched and leaking all over the gaff.


BOARD GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER FOUR: MOUSETRAP



Let's face it... nobody really played Mousetrap for the game itself. The novelty lay in setting up the domino-like chain of events which ultimately lead to the titular mouse-trappage. But this is a fussy and intricate affair requiring things to be placed just so.

So once things are all set up, and you're ready to go, do you go and assemble a group of buddies to play?

Well, no.

You give in to temptation and start the sequence off manually, watch the mouse get trapped, and realise that's pretty much the only excitement this board game is actually going to give you. From there, it's just a short walk to hall-cupboardsville.


GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER THREE: KERPLUNK



Kerplunk is a weird one. For starters, it's not really all that fun. It's a game about pulling straws out of a tube.

All there is to it is... take turns to remove straws from the tube which are consequently holding up various marbles. If you drop the marbles, instead of the collectibles being points, they are little glass pearls of shame and woe. The more you accrue, the worse you do.

Only, set up requires you to individually thread each straw through a random initial hole, then through to another random adjacent hole. As positioning needs to take into account every straw, it is inevitable that set up can literally never take less time than playing time.

Also there'll always be some stupid dick that knocks it, jostling the tube and marbles and ultimately rendering all previous turns pointless.

Another in this "Pulling shit out of other shit" subgenre includes "Jenga" which is incidentally less colourful but marginally more fun. Proving that beige can in fact, be cool.


BOARD GAMES THAT TAKE LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER TWO: BUCKAROO



Buckaroo is a total dick.

Let me explain. Whilst Buckaroo may well be a quick set-up the first few times you play it, after a few "bucks", the elastic-powered lock mechanism in the temperamental little ass start to get a bit... lax-a-daisy. Flimsy.

So every consecutive game of Buckaroo becomes exponentially longer to set up, because you have to find that "sweet spot" where pressing his kicking back legs down sets him in place so you can begin the game of placing various crap all over him.

This ultimately makes the playtime of the game lessen too, as it gets easier and easier to trigger his "buck" motion.

I reckon this is a metaphor of how the creature slowly but surely gets less and less tolerant in real life until eventually he just becomes a defiant bastard in a perpetual kick-fury.


BOARD GAME THAT TAKES LONGER TO SET UP THAN TO PLAY NUMBER ONE: PERFECTION




Perfection is one of those weird games that someone out there is playing alone and getting *really* good at it. *scary* good.

The setup trauma in this case comes from the fact you're likely going to forget what this game does and try to play it in the car or some shit. You turn the timer, start the countdown and then furiously try to get the pieces into their respective slots before the game THRUSTS them into your face in a massive "FUCK YOU, FAILURE!"

But in doing this, it also thrusts those little yellow pieces all over the place, into nooks and crannies you didn't know existed in the vicinity, leaving you looking at the box and trying to marry up the picture of every... single... piece with their real life counterparts to ensure you have everything you need for the next go.

"...fifteen... sixteen... right, we've only got sixteen here. Which one are we missing? The wee rainbow-looking one? No, we've got that one. Which one is it? Okay, we've got the "S" shape, we've got the cross..."

And this is how the next ten to fifteen minutes plays out.

The game takes less than one minute to play. GREAT.


Do you have different Board Game Setup experiences? Does it take you forever to set up a game of Hungry Hippos or Screwball Scramble? Comments below!

Top Five of: Kids TV Shows That Genuinely Terrify Me

Forget horror films - nowadays, I need only look to CBeebies or CITV for a truly mind-raping, nightmarish creation of a disturbed mind in order to haunt my subconscious and cripple me mentally when I'm alone in the house and I see a silhouette through the window.

What on earth are these program designers actually thinking? Some characters, settings and overall scenarios rival Silent Hill for true fucked-uppery, and as such I have compiled a list of my Top Five of: Kids TV Shows That Genuinely Terrify Me.


KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER FIVE: TELETUBBIES



Perhaps this is so low on the list because it's been around for a bit, and maybe I've grown accustomed to these weird fuckers, but they still creep me out. Looking like human-sized teddy-bears-mixed-with-cartoon-aliens, they have televisions in their abdomens, have a sentient vacuum cleaner, and eat pink gelatin.

They each have a favourite object; Dipsy, the green one (apparently male) loves his Jamiroquai-style oversized cowskin hat, La-la, yellow (female), has a ball; Red Po (female) has a scooter, and Tinky-Winky, our purple male Teletubby and also the biggest physically (which, I am assuming through typical hierarchies would make him the dominant or "Alphatubby") loves his bright red handbag.

Now, I have no qualms with diverse sexuality whatsoever, but that's just plain old bizarre.

Overall, these are the product of a sick mind and if I was trapped in a room with one I would likely produce a pantful of tubby custard myself.


KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER FOUR: STOPPIT AND TIDYUP



All I'll say is... just watch the goddamned INTRO to Stopit And Tidyup. Listen to the music. Look at the characters. Terry Wogan narration. The intro alone is enough to cause self-harm.




KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER THREE: ZINGZILLAS




The concept of this is a harmless and rather charming one - a deserted island where a gang of happy-go-lucky primates form a band and sing in every episode. In fact, the sole thing I find wholly terrifying about the entire program - it's the Zingzillas' EYES.

Hollow, disturbing orbs which make the animated antics even more concerning.

Like sentient puppets, carcasses brought to life, their eyes shine a vacant, terrifying way, a void to the centre of a soulless creature, the Zingzillas are ultimately like beings enduring Purgatory whilst being forced to play out a sick facade of happiness.


KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER TWO: IN THE NIGHT GARDEN



In the Night Garden follows the same "I'm so confused and overwhelmed by the sheer bizarreness of this all that I cannot comprehend what I'm seeing here"-type of terror.

Set in the titular Night Garden, it follows the exploits and general "merriment" of Iggle Piggle, Wakka Pakka and Upsy Daisy - a blue marrow-headed humanoid, a monster cinnamon bun thing, and a gollywog doll respectively. They frequently receive visits from the hidden beasts of the night garden, like the huge geometric Haahoos that shriek monosyllabic words, Tombliboos, which are like Ty Beanie Babies if they did an Urotsukidoji version, and other utterly terrifying creations which cannot actually be described in human words.

One thing that perplexes and serves to freak me out further is that scale seems to be arbitrary in the night garden; all beings change size and mass frequently, there is no consistency from scene to scene.

I didn't even have that much beer today! Did someone give me "special" brownies again?!

No. I am totally lucid and this is happening. In the Night Garden: Making me question the existence of god.


KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER ONE: THE MOOMINS




Yes, I could've even chosen anything in the world, but my number one Kids' TV show that GENUINELY terrifies me is... The Moomins.

Resembling semi-vacant upright hippos, the Moomins was a show often philosophically dense, interesting and deep, but utterly, terrifyingly disturbing.

There's a purple staring snowman that freezes shit in place like Medusa. Then there's the Groke, a terrifying demon woman who turns everything to pure darkness which, let's face it, is as non-subtle as metaphors come.

And then there's the adopted HUMAN CHILD of the main Moomin family who looks like she's 80 years old and has the voice of a cat stuck in a washing machine full of cheese graters.

This gets my number one vote because where the others are perhaps terrifying in an UNINTENTIONAL way, the Moomins genuinely has a hidden agenda and metaphorical undertones which gives you that same chill as when you finish watching a particularly terrifying film or TV program which, at the end credits, declares "Based on a true story."

It's almost like saying to you, "Oh, by the way, THIS SHIT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. GOOD LUCK SLEEPING."


What about you? I'm sure you have a Kids' show that scared you more, or you'd have placed a different order or whatever. The Raccoons? Chip and Dale? The Tweenies?

What'd be in your TOP FIVE OF: KIDS TV SHOWS THAT GENUINELY TERRIFY YOU?

Anything at all - debate it in the comments box below!!

Top Five of: Awkward Shop Environments

Shopping can be wholly satisfying and incredibly therapeutic, relieving stress and allowing you to accrue more pointless junk-that-make-you-happy-for-ten-minutes-prior-to-buyer's-remorse.

However, there are a few utterly awkward, bizarre,or irritating store environments that simply do nothing more than to raise the stress levels, ultimately destroying any such enjoyment I might get from the products sold.

Here are my Top Five of: Awkward Shop Environments!


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER FIVE: RED 5/GADGET STORES




Now, I actually LOVE Gadget stores. They stand for everything you shouldn't be spending your money on. Utterly cheap, pointless items of pure novelty like spy-pens or clocks where the hands are actual hands.

But what perturbs me the most about these stores is that they let shit RUN LOOSE. You're frightened to take another step in case some floor-dwelling robot weasel they've set with Duracells is crushed underfoot, forcing you to pay for being so crass as to assume there'd be none of their products actually RUNNING AROUND THE STORE.

Secondly it seems as though the staff are actively encouraged to play with the gadgets, but "actively encouraged" would be charming... these guys are FORCED. It's clear they've been playing with that remote control helicopter ALL DAY, and as such any possible enjoyment they could've had from playing with it has now become resentment for the aerial plaything. And it shows. These guys, playing with SUPER KEWL TOYS, look miserable. And it puts me off buying stuff to see PURE MISERY.


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER FOUR: STARBUCKS/COSTA




This one is simple - pure pretentiousness. Whereas an *actual* coffee shop will offer various types of coffee, Starbucks, Costa and the other "big guns" of the coffee world offer you vaguely coffee-based DESSERTS served in coffee cups with utterly arbitrarily extravagent names.

You are asked a jargon-filled coffee questionnaire when ordering, and are looked upon like some kind of idiot retard beverage drinker if you ask for "just white tea."

Oh, sorry.

"Blanco-de-Teafrappio-mi-drawingoutthisjokeio."


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER THREE: SMYTHS/TOYS R US



"Can I help you find something?" the nice attendant asks.

"Why yes! I'm looking for... well, it's on TV..." I responded. "It's like this big robot hand, and you put your own hand into it. Then you can move all the fingers independently and the kid on the advert punches a wall down with it and stuff."

"Oh, I've seen that advert. I think they're around here. Ah, no, we don't have those in I'm afraid. Can I help you get something else."

"Well, is there anything similar?"

"Well, how old is he?"

"He's... m.... he's me."

*crickets chirp*


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER TWO: PHONES 4 U/GENERIC PHONE SHOPS



Like a group of relentless, efficient ninjas, the staff in Phones 4 U can SENSE the moment you pass the threshold between the exterior and interior of their shop, and leap twenty-two feet from the back of the store to within inches of your face to question you silly about which telephone you currently possess.

Even if that phone is the best phone in the galaxy, they will scrutinise it and belittle it. Your tariff? Which tariff are you on? Yeah, it's shit. We sold you it? Well, yeah, it was great when you got it. It's shit now.

To make matters worse they shepherd you over to their desks of inevitability as you're careened into a situation whereby you've signed up for twenty-four months of £80-a-month supertablet PC phone without you having said a word of response like some kind of MIND CONTROL EXPERTS if you haven't built a special immunity to them.

Thankfully I have built this special immunity, but others are not as safe...


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER ONE: THE APPLE STORE



Copy-paste everything from the previous entry, but add "if it took place in the Hive from the first Resident Evil movie". That's complete with zombies. Yes, the staff in the Apple Store are incredibly plentiful - count at least three per customer in the store at any one time. Moreover they are utterly devoted to the product... to the point of being terrifying.

Whereas the Phones 4 U guy is aggressive for a sale because he desperately needs to pay rent and make enough commission to take his wife a bunch of petrol station flowers so she won't leave him for yet another day, the Apple Store guy is because he utterly OBSESSES Apple. With a Joker-like grin on his face and carrying a vast abundance of bright shining white gadgets, the Apple Store guy will use other Apple Store guys to block your exit so he can sell his product... nay, his religion... to you.

The only real option is to not walk into the store at all... or at least use the only known repellent - carry at least one Microsoft Zune with you at all times.


"What about Ann Summers?" Nay, Ann Summers is a laugh. "Buying 'private stuff' from Boots?" Well, EVERYONE buys that, so it's no big deal. If you have different AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENTS, tell me what you agree or disagree with!!

Comment below!

Top Five of: Coco Pops Variants

As the saying goes, "I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops." I think that statement is purely circumstantial as it doesn't state what the Coco Pops are the alternative to.

A pig face sandwich? Then yes, I would agree that I would rather have a bowl of Coco pops. Being raped by a small legion of angry mandrills? Yes, once again, I would rather have a bowl of Coco Pops. Being fed Toffifee on my throne of diamond-studded ivory by some Caramac-coated underwear models? Well, I would find it difficult to shun that in the face of a small bowl of rice-based breakfast cereal, no matter how tasty they might be.

But yeah, Coco Pops RULE, although there are about a BahooHILLION variants of them. So which are my top five? The rule is as follows: They must be currently available (No Coco Pops Crunchers and other discontinued lines - pity, as that example is EPIC TASTY), and must carry the Coco Pops name.

So here we go: TOP FIVE OF: COCO POPS VARIANTS!


COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER FIVE: COCO POPS BARS




Masquerading as one of those healthy "cereal bars", these super-sweet portable Coco Poppage bites are my number five variant of Coco Pops. In either Coco Pop Original bar form ("With milk!" - essentially meaning, "with a layer of PURE WHITE SUGAR") or Coco Rocks bar form (with enough chocolate to make them DIABETASTIC), these ultimately mix up the breakfast cereal game by coming in BAR FORMAT! That's right, no more having to wetten up the cereal like some commoner. No trying to ninja the perfect timing between zero milk saturation/cut yer mouth up crunchiness and oversodden soggy cereal sludge, these bars are basically chocolate, chewy caramelly-mallow glue, some more sugar, and I think...*thiiink*... there's some cereal in there too. Meaning you can start your day the best possible way - buzzing like some crazed sugar-fuelled nutter.

COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER FOUR: COCO POPS MEGA MUNCHERS



That blasphemous monkey bastard has plagiarised yet another Nestle cereal with these (effectively just being the same thing as Nestle Chocapic, just as the now-discontinued Coco Pops Crunchers were Nestle Crunch cereal), but that's not to say they're bad whatsoever.

These chocolate cereal curls are badasses in the cereal world. Looking like some ultra-dense, tiny hard-as-fuck chocolate quavers, Coco Pops Mega Munchers last for YEARS in milk without losing crunch, and can tear the shit out of your gums should you eat these in a frivolous manner.

But their biggest threat is also their most valuable asset. You can truly SAVOUR Mega Munchers. No fear of cereal disintegration. Chocolate cereal... that doesn't go bland, relinquishing the chocolate to the milk and leaving itself a poor, naked version of itself.


COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER THREE: COCO POPS MOONS AND STARS



"These all look the same! They probably all taste the same."

If you've just thought or said this, then you are a thickwitted idiot. For yes, where they are all chocolate-based breakfast cereal sporting a yellow box with a monkey adorning it, the subtle differences make all the difference.

Moons and Stars, for example, have the added bonus of being chocolate... AND hazelnut flavoured! Tasting a bit like if Nutella made a cereal, th.... actually, I think that summarises it pretty well. I don't think I need to sell it beyond that. If Nutella made a cereal.

Done.

COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER TWO: COCO POPS COCO ROCKS



Coco Rocks are like the marketing department at Kelloggs went, "That Nesquik Cereal that Nestle makes is tasty as hell. But we can't just outright copy that like we've done with Nestle Crunch or Nestle Chocapic. You can copy twice, but three strikes and it starts to look a bit suspect."

"How about we copy that and... add something else?" One marketing genius asked.
"But what? We can't think up something NEW to add to it!" Whinged Bob, the chairman.
"We add... another existing cereal!!" replied Inglebert, the hunchbacked nightmare creature that inexplicably and arbitrarily worked there.

Yes, long story short, Coco Rocks are Nestle Nesquik cereal mixed with smaller Chocolatey Squares/Nougat Pillows (not Krave, which are vastly inferior copies of those cereals. Actually, Kelloggs copy a shitload of cereal, don't they? I just noticed that).

Great cereal plus Great cereal equals EPIC CEREAL. Small rabbit-dropping-looking chocolate cereal balls mixed in with small oval cereal boulders filled with hazelnut chocolate cream. These are practically a pudding for breakfast, and that's undoubtedly awesome.

COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER ONE: COCO POPS CHOC N' ROLL





And my number one Coco Pops variant is... Choc n' Roll! In some utterly confused marketing, apparently the selling point for these is MORE FIBRE CONTENT! They are shaped like wheels and the name is a play on "Rock and Roll". Seems like they just chucked a whole bunch of crap into the marketing-blender, as nothing is related whatsoever. It's deeply disturbing and I can't sleep at night thinking about it.

Anyway, trying to sell a cereal to kids by promoting the fibre content aside, these chocolate cereal wheels are truly phenomenal in every way. With the unmistakable deliciousness of Coco Pops but the texture of Weetos (with that crunchy-yet-perfectly-porous-milk-soakin'composition), they also have the Monster Munch-esque charm of being a kiddy shape you can break apart and eat spoke-by-spoke. They have it all. Where the other variants might try to wow you with adding EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE or DIAMOND STUDDED TIARA FLAKES or whatever, these are just the refinement of what makes a great chocolate cereal.

Plus THINK OF THE FIBRE. FIBRE, people.

Perhaps the wheels are a metaphor for how fast your faeces will speed on out of your little backdoor raceway after a decent helping?

...

AND ON THAT NOTE, That makes the delicious Coco Pops Choc n' Roll my number one COCO POPS VARIANT!


"Wait, no REGULAR Coco Pops on the list? What are you, some kind of cereal pervert?!" you ask. Well, you're allowed to ask. Everyone's entitled to ask that question at least once in a lifetime. Alas, where I would rather have a bowl of Coco Pops than say, a bowl of kick-in-the-groin, they just don't stack up to those I've mentioned above! Disagree? COMMENT BELOW!!

Top Five of: Musical Instruments Teachers Give Kids With No Musical Ability Whatsoever

The music teacher smiles as he gets together his "School of Rock"-esque band of brilliant miniature musicians. He has his awesome guitar player, a little dude who's a beast on the trombone and a wee lass who rocks a piccolo. Across the mad spectrum of musical awesomeness, talent pours out.

"What can I play, sir?" asks little Humphrey, tugging at the teacher's jacket. Uh-Oh. The teacher knows little Humphrey has the musical capabilities of a turnip, but is also emotionally unstable and unable to comprehend or cope with rejection from his band of merry men.

There is only one choice for teacher. He must relinquish... one of my Top Five of: Musical Instruments Teachers Give Kids With No Musical Ability Whatsoever!


MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER FIVE: THE TAMBOURINE



Need to join a hippy music circle but didn't have the patience to learn the four chords required to strum incessantly around a campfire? Then the tambourine is your salvation.

The tambourine was given to the child who your teacher knew was capable of hitting something but he didn't fully trust with a drum. The tambourine is the ultimate in novelty instruments. It's like a tiny little drum that, when the ADD-suffering child gets bored of hitting, he or she can then shake it to make it jingle! Brilliant! Of course, this diversity of sound means that it isn't actually the lamest of instruments whatsoever - the person wielding it may need some semblance of tempo to tap it in time to the music and know when it is appropriate to jingle.

Ho-ho. "Appropriate to jingle".


MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER FOUR: THE GUIRO



Not to be confused with "Stroking a Guido", the Guiro is effectively a hollow wooden ridged capsule you rub a stick against to approximate the sound equivalent of pins and needles.

That unique rasping sound has no real place in an orchestral setup and was probably created, much like the kazoo or the vuvuzela, as some kind of sick joke instrument designed to wind people up.

"KRRRkkRKKK RKKKKRRRRK KrrK RKKKRK KRRREEEK krrrrrKK" Summarises what to expect.

And I mean both the sound of the Guiro being played, and the sound of you grinding your teeth to dust as you endure the produced "music".


MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER THREE: TWO HOLLOWED OUT COCONUT SHELL HALVES



Requiring even less skill than rubbing a stick against a piece of wood, and understanding that they are of very little monetary value, the teacher would give the child with zero musical ability these: Two hollowed out coconut shell halves.

By hitting the cut ends together, the wielder can effectively create a "clop" sound with very little effort, which humorously sounds like the gallop of a horse. The initial discovery of said noise would probably be enough distraction to shield the child from the brutal truth that he or she is in fact a musical retard who has just been given a food wrapper to play.


MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER TWO: PRINGLES CAN FILLED WITH BEANS OR SOME SHIT



This is essentially the teacher saying he or she doesn't even trust you with freaking MARACAS. Even cheaper and quicker to create than a hollowed out coconut, this is essentially a makeshift maraca that, slyly, the teacher can kill two birds with one stone by having the child-with-no-talent build him or herself (probably for an art project for which he or she will likely have no penchant for either) and then use it as an "instrument."

How does it work? Well, it's a can... with stuff in it. You shake it, and it makes shakey-shake noises. A chimp can appreciate it's simplicity and resulting "music".

Probably worth noting that Pringle cans filled with actual Pringles don't produce a good sound and wrecks the shit out of said Pringles. So don't use Pringles.


MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER ONE: THE TRIANGLE



Ah, the Triangle. Named as such because the poor, thick student playing it probably has such a limited intellect that to simply call it by it's SHAPE is the only way they'd remember what it was called.

"But that takes more skill than shaking a can or hitting something!" You yell. Well stop yelling, I'm right beside you here, and I have mild tinnitus.

The reason I have this as my number one is the following - frequency of use. Where it MAY require some kind of timing to tap the triangle at the right moment, the chances are, the player will tap the triangle once... maybe if lucky, TWICE, in an entire musical piece. This means the concentration of music ruined by one retard pupil is dramatically lessened by the sheer infrequency of use. With the others, the chances are the pupils have the opportunity to produce a musical zit with every bar, but with the triangle, it may well be that only a few seconds of the song is marred. And even then, there's still the possibility the youngster actually hits the metal thing against the other metal thing properly.

As such, this is the NUMBER ONE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER.

So, do you agree or disagree? Do you think there's a musical instrument even more gash teachers give to their pupils when they know they have the musical prowess of a gull choking on a recorder?

Comment below!

Top Five of: Kid's Birthday Party Grub

Okay, I might be twenty-six, but that doesn't mean I don't like me a good kid's birthday party.

...

Okay, I maybe didn't phrase that correctly. What I MEANT was, kids get the best party grub - no need for yer vol au vents here; this is unrefined, ultra-coloured HYPER-INDUCING CRACK.

So here we go - my Top Five of: Kid's Birthday Party Grub!


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER FIVE: KRISPIE/CORNFLAKE CAKES



There's nothing poncy about getting a box of cereal and wodging it all together in a bowl with either chocolate or marshmallow. Nor am I going to say a bad thing about it either.

Some people may contest the status of "cake" - I mean, you can hardly pour bisto onto some meat and call it a "casserole" - but those people can go to hell. Krispie Cakes and Cornflake cakes are a Kid's Party staple. I would happily punch little Billy in the neck to get the last one - god help him if they're topped with Mini Eggs.


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER FOUR: MEGA-CHEAP CHEESE AND TOMATO PIZZA



Whether in mini-circular or finger format, super-cheap cheese and tomato pizza is a delicious must-have go-to at the Kid's Birthday Party. These are the ones you used to buy "cylinders" of ten from Farmfoods of, had about three strands of grated cheese on them, and you microwaved so they had an almost inexplicable "what-if-a-bit-of-corrugated-cardboard-got-hot-and-damp" texture that even MORE inexplicably, was always guiltily delicious. With an almost too-tangy tomato sauce and a "is this even cheese?!" cheese, only the cheapest, brightest pizza will do.


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER THREE: COCKTAIL SAUSAGE ROLLS



Okay, so not necessarily kid's party-specific, what makes THESE cocktail sausage rolls so delicious is the fact that they're probably sliiightly overcooked due to the sheer VOLUME that single mother has tried to cook herself for her child's birthday. And, due to that enormous amount, they've probably been purchased on a shoestring budget from Iceland, meaning they've got that pastry that burns on the outside but remains satisfyingly soggy on the interior.

Be sure to kick the child that's ripping apart the pastry from the sausage to eat a sole component and discard the other. That kid will grow up to be a rapist.


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER TWO: COLIN CATERPILLAR CAKE



There's something oddly sadistic about finding a comic creature with the happiest of expressions and then exclaiming "I WANT A BIT OF THE FACE!" - but with Colin Caterpillar Cake (yo-yo-yo, alliteration-in-da-situation), that's precisely what you do.

This gets kudos points for effectively being a regular chocolate swiss roll, already a decadent pleasure, and then making it EVEN MORE MENTAL to ensure your kids go batshit crazy quicker, and for longer. Covered in chocolate, smarties (sorry, candy-coated chocolate beans, trademarking people) and dolly mixtures, this is probably one step down from being "A chocolate coated swiss roll filled with generous tabs of Speed".

Extra points if you make "Oh god, Eeeuuuurgh! AAaaargh! My Entrails!" comments whilst cutting this - it may put some kids off wanting their piece, meaning more to take home in the inevitable "napkin stuffed wi' stuff".


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER ONE: THOSE WEE SMARTIE-TOPPED CHOCOLATE DIPPED MARSHMALLOW CAKE THINGS



Perhaps it's because they don't have one single proper name to call their own, or perhaps it's because they take six seconds to prepare, but the undeniable charm of these marshmallow cake..chocolate top...smartie things ensure they remain my number one Kid's Birthday Party Grub.

Sweet enough to be a treat but light enough to eat eleventy brazillion of them before the inevitable supershits, these morsels were probably the afterthought of the host who had melted chocolate left over from making the Krispie cakes and a hyper child desperate for attention.

"Want to help me make mallow cakes?" she most likely asked, in an exhausted attempt to shut her kid up, whilst she burns some sausage rolls just for me. But in reality, these little afterthoughts-prepared-by-an-ADD-child are my primary main objective at a Kid's Birthday Party. I will likely grab a paper plate with these before I even knock the door, return to the door, and then knock and await welcome whilst consuming.

Oh yeah, and that bad boy that got TWO smarties on it? Stop eyeing it up. That bad boy is MINE.



So how do my Top Five of: Kid's Birthday Party Grub stack up against your own choices? "No Birthday Cake, Tommy?!" you might exclaim. "What about wee sausages on a stick?!" - well I regard the latter to be more an adult retro-party dealio. "CADBURY FINGERS? HULA HOOPS?!!" - exclaim stuff all you want - they were probably on my list, but didn't make the cut! But where do they feature on your own list? Do you agree with me or not? Comment below!!

Top Five of: Satisfying Videogame Pickups

Collectibles in certain videogames can be like crack. It can be an obsession, a craving, a desire. Why should a little digital icon being grabbed by your player character evoke such a sense of accomplishment, of fulfilment, of happiness?

I'll tell you why. Man is a greedy being and we need to HAVE EVERYTHING. That's our greatest asset. Baby has a lollipop? Baby is weak. Now I have lollipop. Satisfying.

Here's my rundown of the top five collectibles you find in videogames: the Top Five of: Satisfying Videogame Pickups!


SATISFYING VIDEOGAME PICKUP NUMBER FIVE: SHELLS (RED/BLUE)



Found in Mario Kart, there are definitely more powerful items to pick up, but none quite as versatile. Timed perfectly, you can hit three a poor sod with red shells in succession, infuriating them beyond belief and potentially putting the first place racer dead last. When picked up you can feel the smug emanating from your pores. You KNOW someone is going to get messed up.


SATISFYING VIDEOGAME PICKUP NUMBER FOUR: PIECE OF HEART



Picking up that little glass vessel and holding it above your head like a triumphant little elf? You'd better be! The chances are, if you're holding a piece of heart aloft, you've just felled an awesome Zelda boss and about to enter a portal onto your next endeavour. They punctuate the game by telling you, "nice job on beating that dungeon, mate. Be proud."

Little pieces of heart - requiring you to collect four pieces to create a full one - can also be found strewn throughout the game, but those aren't quite so satisfying unless you're talking about that elusive fourth quarter which makes another full heart.

And of course, when you collect a piece of heart, it replenishes your entire health bar. Bask in the shrill "Bwee-bwee-bwee-bwee" of your hearts refilling as your heart in real life, too, fills with the love.


SATISFYING VIDEOGAME PICKUP THREE: RINGS



Sonic's quintessential collectible is of course, the gold ring. And inexplicably, despite being the most common commodity in the game (you get rings by the bucketload) it only highlights your own greed by how insatiable you are to collect more.

That "DLING!" as you collect one is great, but when you're catapulted into a massive aerial bed of ten or more your glee is almost inexplicable as that poor Megadrive almost struggles to churn out the sound effects in succession.

Moreover, collecting one hundred rewards you further, with a fanfare and an extra life. And if you don't have any, picking merely ONE up is effectively your shield from death! Rings are amazing!

Only... it is a double-edged sword. The more you collect, the more there is to spew out, scattering everywhere like some kind of cruel wedding scramble as Sonic drops his stash, and your ring counter goes from a bloated, proud 239 to a flashing, angry, skeletal ZERO.

This is like a metaphor for real life, where one unexpected "badnik" (or, "phone bill") can rape my bank account and leave a flashing ZERO.


SATISFYING VIDEOGAME PICKUP NUMBER TWO: ENTIRE ROAST CHICKENS



A generic health pickup? Nay. Think about this for a second. This is an entire roast chicken. An entire... cooked... chicken. And you just found it in a bin. AND you're being attacked by seven guys with knives. How manly are YOU? You're just taking a quick break to eat an entire bird worth of meat midway through a heated street battle!

In Streets of Rage, there are also apples, but their nutritional benefits in-game are far less potent. This only goes to enhance the powers and allures of a chicken-filled phonebooth. This is also why, when I am told to eat "Five a Day", I instead eat five chickens. Better for you. Game Logic.

In Tekken Force mode in the game Tekken, when you consume a chicken the game actually, in a throaty declaration, shouts at you, "CHIIICKEN!" - even the GAME knows how much you love chicken. Chicken is a MAN'S pickup.


SATISFYING VIDEOGAME PICKUP NUMBER ONE: RED "RARE" BOX



In Phantasy Star Online, a game where everyone cooperates and helps each other battle through the forests and mines of Ragol, the red box is the ultimate spanner in the works. No matter how much you may have agreed on how to divvy-up the loot, who gets what, and how to share the spoils, the red box may as well be an injection of super-rabies into your party as each player wildly scrambles for it.

With some rare boxes having a drop rate of several hundred thousand to one, from an enemy which may have an appearance rate of several thousand to one, that red box may be a once in a lifetime occurrence. And as such, any agreements or alliances get chucked RIGHT out of the window.

Once you've successfully screwed your pals over after fighting for hours and hours to find this box, there's the tekker. Yes, when you pick up that box, it may be everything you always wanted. But it also might be a box of horse faeces. To figure out which it is, you need the Tekker to determine just which item is stored within the box. The wait... the unbelievable, palpable wait as he determines what is inside... and then, when it turns out to be rubbish, you can go back to the party and flippantly say "Hey guys, what's up? Oh, yeah, that was a misunderstanding. Yeah."

In a way the red box is kinda like the One Ring from Lord of the Rings. Coveted, powerful tool that has you screwing over your pals quicker than you can say "Gollumsux". Whenever one appears on screen, the single feeling you get is "I must have it." It's almost a shock, an overwhelming shudder throughout your bones to see one, and as such, it's the single most SATISFYING VIDEOGAME PICKUP.


Agree? Disagree? Do you have a better "Pick-me-up" in-game? Perhaps you can't get enough of the "Diddle-deedle-doodee!" of a Mario 1up, or maybe it's Pac Man's powerpellets. In any scenario, comment below and let me know!