The music teacher smiles as he gets together his "School of Rock"-esque band of brilliant miniature musicians. He has his awesome guitar player, a little dude who's a beast on the trombone and a wee lass who rocks a piccolo. Across the mad spectrum of musical awesomeness, talent pours out.
"What can I play, sir?" asks little Humphrey, tugging at the teacher's jacket. Uh-Oh. The teacher knows little Humphrey has the musical capabilities of a turnip, but is also emotionally unstable and unable to comprehend or cope with rejection from his band of merry men.
There is only one choice for teacher. He must relinquish... one of my Top Five of: Musical Instruments Teachers Give Kids With No Musical Ability Whatsoever!
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER FIVE: THE TAMBOURINE
Need to join a hippy music circle but didn't have the patience to learn the four chords required to strum incessantly around a campfire? Then the tambourine is your salvation.
The tambourine was given to the child who your teacher knew was capable of hitting something but he didn't fully trust with a drum. The tambourine is the ultimate in novelty instruments. It's like a tiny little drum that, when the ADD-suffering child gets bored of hitting, he or she can then shake it to make it jingle! Brilliant! Of course, this diversity of sound means that it isn't actually the lamest of instruments whatsoever - the person wielding it may need some semblance of tempo to tap it in time to the music and know when it is appropriate to jingle.
Ho-ho. "Appropriate to jingle".
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER FOUR: THE GUIRO
Not to be confused with "Stroking a Guido", the Guiro is effectively a hollow wooden ridged capsule you rub a stick against to approximate the sound equivalent of pins and needles.
That unique rasping sound has no real place in an orchestral setup and was probably created, much like the kazoo or the vuvuzela, as some kind of sick joke instrument designed to wind people up.
"KRRRkkRKKK RKKKKRRRRK KrrK RKKKRK KRRREEEK krrrrrKK" Summarises what to expect.
And I mean both the sound of the Guiro being played, and the sound of you grinding your teeth to dust as you endure the produced "music".
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER THREE: TWO HOLLOWED OUT COCONUT SHELL HALVES
Requiring even less skill than rubbing a stick against a piece of wood, and understanding that they are of very little monetary value, the teacher would give the child with zero musical ability these: Two hollowed out coconut shell halves.
By hitting the cut ends together, the wielder can effectively create a "clop" sound with very little effort, which humorously sounds like the gallop of a horse. The initial discovery of said noise would probably be enough distraction to shield the child from the brutal truth that he or she is in fact a musical retard who has just been given a food wrapper to play.
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER TWO: PRINGLES CAN FILLED WITH BEANS OR SOME SHIT
This is essentially the teacher saying he or she doesn't even trust you with freaking MARACAS. Even cheaper and quicker to create than a hollowed out coconut, this is essentially a makeshift maraca that, slyly, the teacher can kill two birds with one stone by having the child-with-no-talent build him or herself (probably for an art project for which he or she will likely have no penchant for either) and then use it as an "instrument."
How does it work? Well, it's a can... with stuff in it. You shake it, and it makes shakey-shake noises. A chimp can appreciate it's simplicity and resulting "music".
Probably worth noting that Pringle cans filled with actual Pringles don't produce a good sound and wrecks the shit out of said Pringles. So don't use Pringles.
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER NUMBER ONE: THE TRIANGLE
Ah, the Triangle. Named as such because the poor, thick student playing it probably has such a limited intellect that to simply call it by it's SHAPE is the only way they'd remember what it was called.
"But that takes more skill than shaking a can or hitting something!" You yell. Well stop yelling, I'm right beside you here, and I have mild tinnitus.
The reason I have this as my number one is the following - frequency of use. Where it MAY require some kind of timing to tap the triangle at the right moment, the chances are, the player will tap the triangle once... maybe if lucky, TWICE, in an entire musical piece. This means the concentration of music ruined by one retard pupil is dramatically lessened by the sheer infrequency of use. With the others, the chances are the pupils have the opportunity to produce a musical zit with every bar, but with the triangle, it may well be that only a few seconds of the song is marred. And even then, there's still the possibility the youngster actually hits the metal thing against the other metal thing properly.
As such, this is the NUMBER ONE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT TEACHERS GIVE KIDS WITH NO MUSICAL ABILITY WHATSOEVER.
So, do you agree or disagree? Do you think there's a musical instrument even more gash teachers give to their pupils when they know they have the musical prowess of a gull choking on a recorder?
Comment below!
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