Top Five of: Coco Pops Variants

As the saying goes, "I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops." I think that statement is purely circumstantial as it doesn't state what the Coco Pops are the alternative to.

A pig face sandwich? Then yes, I would agree that I would rather have a bowl of Coco pops. Being raped by a small legion of angry mandrills? Yes, once again, I would rather have a bowl of Coco Pops. Being fed Toffifee on my throne of diamond-studded ivory by some Caramac-coated underwear models? Well, I would find it difficult to shun that in the face of a small bowl of rice-based breakfast cereal, no matter how tasty they might be.

But yeah, Coco Pops RULE, although there are about a BahooHILLION variants of them. So which are my top five? The rule is as follows: They must be currently available (No Coco Pops Crunchers and other discontinued lines - pity, as that example is EPIC TASTY), and must carry the Coco Pops name.

So here we go: TOP FIVE OF: COCO POPS VARIANTS!


COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER FIVE: COCO POPS BARS




Masquerading as one of those healthy "cereal bars", these super-sweet portable Coco Poppage bites are my number five variant of Coco Pops. In either Coco Pop Original bar form ("With milk!" - essentially meaning, "with a layer of PURE WHITE SUGAR") or Coco Rocks bar form (with enough chocolate to make them DIABETASTIC), these ultimately mix up the breakfast cereal game by coming in BAR FORMAT! That's right, no more having to wetten up the cereal like some commoner. No trying to ninja the perfect timing between zero milk saturation/cut yer mouth up crunchiness and oversodden soggy cereal sludge, these bars are basically chocolate, chewy caramelly-mallow glue, some more sugar, and I think...*thiiink*... there's some cereal in there too. Meaning you can start your day the best possible way - buzzing like some crazed sugar-fuelled nutter.

COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER FOUR: COCO POPS MEGA MUNCHERS



That blasphemous monkey bastard has plagiarised yet another Nestle cereal with these (effectively just being the same thing as Nestle Chocapic, just as the now-discontinued Coco Pops Crunchers were Nestle Crunch cereal), but that's not to say they're bad whatsoever.

These chocolate cereal curls are badasses in the cereal world. Looking like some ultra-dense, tiny hard-as-fuck chocolate quavers, Coco Pops Mega Munchers last for YEARS in milk without losing crunch, and can tear the shit out of your gums should you eat these in a frivolous manner.

But their biggest threat is also their most valuable asset. You can truly SAVOUR Mega Munchers. No fear of cereal disintegration. Chocolate cereal... that doesn't go bland, relinquishing the chocolate to the milk and leaving itself a poor, naked version of itself.


COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER THREE: COCO POPS MOONS AND STARS



"These all look the same! They probably all taste the same."

If you've just thought or said this, then you are a thickwitted idiot. For yes, where they are all chocolate-based breakfast cereal sporting a yellow box with a monkey adorning it, the subtle differences make all the difference.

Moons and Stars, for example, have the added bonus of being chocolate... AND hazelnut flavoured! Tasting a bit like if Nutella made a cereal, th.... actually, I think that summarises it pretty well. I don't think I need to sell it beyond that. If Nutella made a cereal.

Done.

COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER TWO: COCO POPS COCO ROCKS



Coco Rocks are like the marketing department at Kelloggs went, "That Nesquik Cereal that Nestle makes is tasty as hell. But we can't just outright copy that like we've done with Nestle Crunch or Nestle Chocapic. You can copy twice, but three strikes and it starts to look a bit suspect."

"How about we copy that and... add something else?" One marketing genius asked.
"But what? We can't think up something NEW to add to it!" Whinged Bob, the chairman.
"We add... another existing cereal!!" replied Inglebert, the hunchbacked nightmare creature that inexplicably and arbitrarily worked there.

Yes, long story short, Coco Rocks are Nestle Nesquik cereal mixed with smaller Chocolatey Squares/Nougat Pillows (not Krave, which are vastly inferior copies of those cereals. Actually, Kelloggs copy a shitload of cereal, don't they? I just noticed that).

Great cereal plus Great cereal equals EPIC CEREAL. Small rabbit-dropping-looking chocolate cereal balls mixed in with small oval cereal boulders filled with hazelnut chocolate cream. These are practically a pudding for breakfast, and that's undoubtedly awesome.

COCO POPS VARIANT NUMBER ONE: COCO POPS CHOC N' ROLL





And my number one Coco Pops variant is... Choc n' Roll! In some utterly confused marketing, apparently the selling point for these is MORE FIBRE CONTENT! They are shaped like wheels and the name is a play on "Rock and Roll". Seems like they just chucked a whole bunch of crap into the marketing-blender, as nothing is related whatsoever. It's deeply disturbing and I can't sleep at night thinking about it.

Anyway, trying to sell a cereal to kids by promoting the fibre content aside, these chocolate cereal wheels are truly phenomenal in every way. With the unmistakable deliciousness of Coco Pops but the texture of Weetos (with that crunchy-yet-perfectly-porous-milk-soakin'composition), they also have the Monster Munch-esque charm of being a kiddy shape you can break apart and eat spoke-by-spoke. They have it all. Where the other variants might try to wow you with adding EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE or DIAMOND STUDDED TIARA FLAKES or whatever, these are just the refinement of what makes a great chocolate cereal.

Plus THINK OF THE FIBRE. FIBRE, people.

Perhaps the wheels are a metaphor for how fast your faeces will speed on out of your little backdoor raceway after a decent helping?

...

AND ON THAT NOTE, That makes the delicious Coco Pops Choc n' Roll my number one COCO POPS VARIANT!


"Wait, no REGULAR Coco Pops on the list? What are you, some kind of cereal pervert?!" you ask. Well, you're allowed to ask. Everyone's entitled to ask that question at least once in a lifetime. Alas, where I would rather have a bowl of Coco Pops than say, a bowl of kick-in-the-groin, they just don't stack up to those I've mentioned above! Disagree? COMMENT BELOW!!