Top Five of: Kid's Birthday Party Grub

Okay, I might be twenty-six, but that doesn't mean I don't like me a good kid's birthday party.

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Okay, I maybe didn't phrase that correctly. What I MEANT was, kids get the best party grub - no need for yer vol au vents here; this is unrefined, ultra-coloured HYPER-INDUCING CRACK.

So here we go - my Top Five of: Kid's Birthday Party Grub!


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER FIVE: KRISPIE/CORNFLAKE CAKES



There's nothing poncy about getting a box of cereal and wodging it all together in a bowl with either chocolate or marshmallow. Nor am I going to say a bad thing about it either.

Some people may contest the status of "cake" - I mean, you can hardly pour bisto onto some meat and call it a "casserole" - but those people can go to hell. Krispie Cakes and Cornflake cakes are a Kid's Party staple. I would happily punch little Billy in the neck to get the last one - god help him if they're topped with Mini Eggs.


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER FOUR: MEGA-CHEAP CHEESE AND TOMATO PIZZA



Whether in mini-circular or finger format, super-cheap cheese and tomato pizza is a delicious must-have go-to at the Kid's Birthday Party. These are the ones you used to buy "cylinders" of ten from Farmfoods of, had about three strands of grated cheese on them, and you microwaved so they had an almost inexplicable "what-if-a-bit-of-corrugated-cardboard-got-hot-and-damp" texture that even MORE inexplicably, was always guiltily delicious. With an almost too-tangy tomato sauce and a "is this even cheese?!" cheese, only the cheapest, brightest pizza will do.


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER THREE: COCKTAIL SAUSAGE ROLLS



Okay, so not necessarily kid's party-specific, what makes THESE cocktail sausage rolls so delicious is the fact that they're probably sliiightly overcooked due to the sheer VOLUME that single mother has tried to cook herself for her child's birthday. And, due to that enormous amount, they've probably been purchased on a shoestring budget from Iceland, meaning they've got that pastry that burns on the outside but remains satisfyingly soggy on the interior.

Be sure to kick the child that's ripping apart the pastry from the sausage to eat a sole component and discard the other. That kid will grow up to be a rapist.


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER TWO: COLIN CATERPILLAR CAKE



There's something oddly sadistic about finding a comic creature with the happiest of expressions and then exclaiming "I WANT A BIT OF THE FACE!" - but with Colin Caterpillar Cake (yo-yo-yo, alliteration-in-da-situation), that's precisely what you do.

This gets kudos points for effectively being a regular chocolate swiss roll, already a decadent pleasure, and then making it EVEN MORE MENTAL to ensure your kids go batshit crazy quicker, and for longer. Covered in chocolate, smarties (sorry, candy-coated chocolate beans, trademarking people) and dolly mixtures, this is probably one step down from being "A chocolate coated swiss roll filled with generous tabs of Speed".

Extra points if you make "Oh god, Eeeuuuurgh! AAaaargh! My Entrails!" comments whilst cutting this - it may put some kids off wanting their piece, meaning more to take home in the inevitable "napkin stuffed wi' stuff".


KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY GRUB NUMBER ONE: THOSE WEE SMARTIE-TOPPED CHOCOLATE DIPPED MARSHMALLOW CAKE THINGS



Perhaps it's because they don't have one single proper name to call their own, or perhaps it's because they take six seconds to prepare, but the undeniable charm of these marshmallow cake..chocolate top...smartie things ensure they remain my number one Kid's Birthday Party Grub.

Sweet enough to be a treat but light enough to eat eleventy brazillion of them before the inevitable supershits, these morsels were probably the afterthought of the host who had melted chocolate left over from making the Krispie cakes and a hyper child desperate for attention.

"Want to help me make mallow cakes?" she most likely asked, in an exhausted attempt to shut her kid up, whilst she burns some sausage rolls just for me. But in reality, these little afterthoughts-prepared-by-an-ADD-child are my primary main objective at a Kid's Birthday Party. I will likely grab a paper plate with these before I even knock the door, return to the door, and then knock and await welcome whilst consuming.

Oh yeah, and that bad boy that got TWO smarties on it? Stop eyeing it up. That bad boy is MINE.



So how do my Top Five of: Kid's Birthday Party Grub stack up against your own choices? "No Birthday Cake, Tommy?!" you might exclaim. "What about wee sausages on a stick?!" - well I regard the latter to be more an adult retro-party dealio. "CADBURY FINGERS? HULA HOOPS?!!" - exclaim stuff all you want - they were probably on my list, but didn't make the cut! But where do they feature on your own list? Do you agree with me or not? Comment below!!