What on earth are these program designers actually thinking? Some characters, settings and overall scenarios rival Silent Hill for true fucked-uppery, and as such I have compiled a list of my Top Five of: Kids TV Shows That Genuinely Terrify Me.
KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER FIVE: TELETUBBIES
Perhaps this is so low on the list because it's been around for a bit, and maybe I've grown accustomed to these weird fuckers, but they still creep me out. Looking like human-sized teddy-bears-mixed-with-cartoon-aliens, they have televisions in their abdomens, have a sentient vacuum cleaner, and eat pink gelatin.
They each have a favourite object; Dipsy, the green one (apparently male) loves his Jamiroquai-style oversized cowskin hat, La-la, yellow (female), has a ball; Red Po (female) has a scooter, and Tinky-Winky, our purple male Teletubby and also the biggest physically (which, I am assuming through typical hierarchies would make him the dominant or "Alphatubby") loves his bright red handbag.
Now, I have no qualms with diverse sexuality whatsoever, but that's just plain old bizarre.
Overall, these are the product of a sick mind and if I was trapped in a room with one I would likely produce a pantful of tubby custard myself.
KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER FOUR: STOPPIT AND TIDYUP
All I'll say is... just watch the goddamned INTRO to Stopit And Tidyup. Listen to the music. Look at the characters. Terry Wogan narration. The intro alone is enough to cause self-harm.
KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER THREE: ZINGZILLAS
The concept of this is a harmless and rather charming one - a deserted island where a gang of happy-go-lucky primates form a band and sing in every episode. In fact, the sole thing I find wholly terrifying about the entire program - it's the Zingzillas' EYES.
Hollow, disturbing orbs which make the animated antics even more concerning.
Like sentient puppets, carcasses brought to life, their eyes shine a vacant, terrifying way, a void to the centre of a soulless creature, the Zingzillas are ultimately like beings enduring Purgatory whilst being forced to play out a sick facade of happiness.
KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER TWO: IN THE NIGHT GARDEN
In the Night Garden follows the same "I'm so confused and overwhelmed by the sheer bizarreness of this all that I cannot comprehend what I'm seeing here"-type of terror.
Set in the titular Night Garden, it follows the exploits and general "merriment" of Iggle Piggle, Wakka Pakka and Upsy Daisy - a blue marrow-headed humanoid, a monster cinnamon bun thing, and a gollywog doll respectively. They frequently receive visits from the hidden beasts of the night garden, like the huge geometric Haahoos that shriek monosyllabic words, Tombliboos, which are like Ty Beanie Babies if they did an Urotsukidoji version, and other utterly terrifying creations which cannot actually be described in human words.
One thing that perplexes and serves to freak me out further is that scale seems to be arbitrary in the night garden; all beings change size and mass frequently, there is no consistency from scene to scene.
I didn't even have that much beer today! Did someone give me "special" brownies again?!
No. I am totally lucid and this is happening. In the Night Garden: Making me question the existence of god.
KIDS TV SHOW THAT GENUINELY TERRIFIES ME NUMBER ONE: THE MOOMINS
Yes, I could've even chosen anything in the world, but my number one Kids' TV show that GENUINELY terrifies me is... The Moomins.
Resembling semi-vacant upright hippos, the Moomins was a show often philosophically dense, interesting and deep, but utterly, terrifyingly disturbing.
There's a purple staring snowman that freezes shit in place like Medusa. Then there's the Groke, a terrifying demon woman who turns everything to pure darkness which, let's face it, is as non-subtle as metaphors come.
And then there's the adopted HUMAN CHILD of the main Moomin family who looks like she's 80 years old and has the voice of a cat stuck in a washing machine full of cheese graters.
This gets my number one vote because where the others are perhaps terrifying in an UNINTENTIONAL way, the Moomins genuinely has a hidden agenda and metaphorical undertones which gives you that same chill as when you finish watching a particularly terrifying film or TV program which, at the end credits, declares "Based on a true story."
It's almost like saying to you, "Oh, by the way, THIS SHIT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. GOOD LUCK SLEEPING."
What about you? I'm sure you have a Kids' show that scared you more, or you'd have placed a different order or whatever. The Raccoons? Chip and Dale? The Tweenies?
What'd be in your TOP FIVE OF: KIDS TV SHOWS THAT GENUINELY TERRIFY YOU?
Anything at all - debate it in the comments box below!!
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