Top Five of: Awkward Shop Environments

Shopping can be wholly satisfying and incredibly therapeutic, relieving stress and allowing you to accrue more pointless junk-that-make-you-happy-for-ten-minutes-prior-to-buyer's-remorse.

However, there are a few utterly awkward, bizarre,or irritating store environments that simply do nothing more than to raise the stress levels, ultimately destroying any such enjoyment I might get from the products sold.

Here are my Top Five of: Awkward Shop Environments!


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER FIVE: RED 5/GADGET STORES




Now, I actually LOVE Gadget stores. They stand for everything you shouldn't be spending your money on. Utterly cheap, pointless items of pure novelty like spy-pens or clocks where the hands are actual hands.

But what perturbs me the most about these stores is that they let shit RUN LOOSE. You're frightened to take another step in case some floor-dwelling robot weasel they've set with Duracells is crushed underfoot, forcing you to pay for being so crass as to assume there'd be none of their products actually RUNNING AROUND THE STORE.

Secondly it seems as though the staff are actively encouraged to play with the gadgets, but "actively encouraged" would be charming... these guys are FORCED. It's clear they've been playing with that remote control helicopter ALL DAY, and as such any possible enjoyment they could've had from playing with it has now become resentment for the aerial plaything. And it shows. These guys, playing with SUPER KEWL TOYS, look miserable. And it puts me off buying stuff to see PURE MISERY.


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER FOUR: STARBUCKS/COSTA




This one is simple - pure pretentiousness. Whereas an *actual* coffee shop will offer various types of coffee, Starbucks, Costa and the other "big guns" of the coffee world offer you vaguely coffee-based DESSERTS served in coffee cups with utterly arbitrarily extravagent names.

You are asked a jargon-filled coffee questionnaire when ordering, and are looked upon like some kind of idiot retard beverage drinker if you ask for "just white tea."

Oh, sorry.

"Blanco-de-Teafrappio-mi-drawingoutthisjokeio."


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER THREE: SMYTHS/TOYS R US



"Can I help you find something?" the nice attendant asks.

"Why yes! I'm looking for... well, it's on TV..." I responded. "It's like this big robot hand, and you put your own hand into it. Then you can move all the fingers independently and the kid on the advert punches a wall down with it and stuff."

"Oh, I've seen that advert. I think they're around here. Ah, no, we don't have those in I'm afraid. Can I help you get something else."

"Well, is there anything similar?"

"Well, how old is he?"

"He's... m.... he's me."

*crickets chirp*


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER TWO: PHONES 4 U/GENERIC PHONE SHOPS



Like a group of relentless, efficient ninjas, the staff in Phones 4 U can SENSE the moment you pass the threshold between the exterior and interior of their shop, and leap twenty-two feet from the back of the store to within inches of your face to question you silly about which telephone you currently possess.

Even if that phone is the best phone in the galaxy, they will scrutinise it and belittle it. Your tariff? Which tariff are you on? Yeah, it's shit. We sold you it? Well, yeah, it was great when you got it. It's shit now.

To make matters worse they shepherd you over to their desks of inevitability as you're careened into a situation whereby you've signed up for twenty-four months of £80-a-month supertablet PC phone without you having said a word of response like some kind of MIND CONTROL EXPERTS if you haven't built a special immunity to them.

Thankfully I have built this special immunity, but others are not as safe...


AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENT NUMBER ONE: THE APPLE STORE



Copy-paste everything from the previous entry, but add "if it took place in the Hive from the first Resident Evil movie". That's complete with zombies. Yes, the staff in the Apple Store are incredibly plentiful - count at least three per customer in the store at any one time. Moreover they are utterly devoted to the product... to the point of being terrifying.

Whereas the Phones 4 U guy is aggressive for a sale because he desperately needs to pay rent and make enough commission to take his wife a bunch of petrol station flowers so she won't leave him for yet another day, the Apple Store guy is because he utterly OBSESSES Apple. With a Joker-like grin on his face and carrying a vast abundance of bright shining white gadgets, the Apple Store guy will use other Apple Store guys to block your exit so he can sell his product... nay, his religion... to you.

The only real option is to not walk into the store at all... or at least use the only known repellent - carry at least one Microsoft Zune with you at all times.


"What about Ann Summers?" Nay, Ann Summers is a laugh. "Buying 'private stuff' from Boots?" Well, EVERYONE buys that, so it's no big deal. If you have different AWKWARD SHOP ENVIRONMENTS, tell me what you agree or disagree with!!

Comment below!