Top Five of: Pointless Kitchen Implements

Okay, so there are things in the kitchen that we couldn't do without. The Microwave. The Toaster. These are the workhorses in the land of the kitchen. Tin Opener. That one knife you use to slash the shit out of the packets that supposedly have an "easy peel" tab which never works. This Top Five is NOT about those things.

This Turbo Toto Top Five is about the absolute opposite - the most underused, utterly pointless implements, gadgets and machines in your kitchen.

POINTLESS KITCHEN IMPLEMENT NUMBER FIVE: PRAWN DEVEINING SCISSORS



I mean, seriously. Most prawns you buy are de-veined already, or cook-from-frozen (and as such, un-scissorable), but what makes this so pointless is the fact that, even if you were to eat fresh prawns every day, this thing just doesn't work. It mangles the crap out of your prawns; a simple sharp knife works one hundred times better.


POINTLESS KITCHEN IMPLEMENT NUMBER FOUR: OFFICIAL JAMIE OLIVER FLAVOUR SHAKER



Just by association to Jamie Oliver alone, this thing is ultra-poo. But what's in a name? If it works, then who gives a damn! But, looking like a space-age bowling pin, the idea is, you pour in your herbs and grains, pop in the included crusher ball, then place the cap and shake. The problem is it doesn't get enough power no matter how hard you shake to mimic a pestle and mortar, leaving you spasming in the kitchen like an idiot making an infuriating "CLACK-CLACK-CLACK" noise and getting nowhere. Then, the thing is so stupidly shaped it takes pipe cleaner fingers to wash afterwards.


POINTLESS KITCHEN IMPLEMENT NUMBER THREE: BREAD MAKER



Probably one of my more controversial choices. It's hardly useless - fresh bread is a beautiful thing, after all. It's just that... it costs far less to just go to the bakery and just BUY a freshly cooked, warm loaf that probably tastes better and didn't take you hours to prepare. Moreover if you're truly a bready connoisseur you'd shun a bread machine anyway! It seems to fall in some kind of venn void in terms of target market. This isn't higher on the list because it DOES have a novelty, "now and again" purpose, but it just seems so damned... impractical.


POINTLESS KITCHEN IMPLEMENT NUMBER TWO: HARD BOILED EGG SLICER



This is one of those kitsch 70s-80s gadgets that inexplicably caught on. Essentially a little cradle with a hinge and numerous little garotte wires, this cut your hard boiled egg into slices. And that's it.

Now, don't get me wrong, uniform egg slices are cool, but it involves requiring you to be in a fairly niche egg situation. First up, you'll pick up your egg. Frying? Scrambling? This gadget is not required. Boiled only! Secondly, if you're having your boiled egg as a soft boiled (dippy yolk) for your soldiers (and who wouldn't), this is a pointless gadget. But if you're having it hard-boiled, you'll probably be making egg mayonnaise or devilled eggs. And if so, once again, this gadget is pointless. The single scenario this is of any use to anyone is if you want uniform, hard boiled egg slices, perhaps for a sandwich (which would be far blander than, say, an egg mayo and cress variant) or to place on your eyelids to pretend you have "Egg Eyes".

In any scenario, those little wires are a nightmare to effectively clean to perfection, much like a balloon whisk covered in dough. Why not just use a goddamned knife?


POINTLESS KITCHEN IMPLEMENT NUMBER ONE: MELON BALLER



"I really fancy fruit. But not just fruit. PERFECT SPHERES of fruit."

This is not something I say to myself.

But it was clearly what SOME guy said to himself, because the melon baller exists. A wholly inefficient method of serving melon or other hard fruits (don't try using this with an orange, for example), spheres as a unit are very wasteful for starters. It offers not a great deal over other methods of serving in terms of presentation (Mango Hedgehog or Pineapple on Stick anyone) that take far less time to achieve, and who are you presenting balls of melon to in the first place?

I mean, if you're going for Maltesers-like pick-n'-snackability, then melon's not the way to go anyway, as your fingers are going to get sticky as hell. You'd be using a spoon, which would imply these are to be served in a bowl. Dessert? Why not just have chunks of melon then? Spheres would fall off the spoon easier.

Overall, the melon baller is simply the most pointless, underused gadget in the busiest room of the house.

What do you guys think? Is there an implement in there even more pointless than my Turbo Top Five? Comments below!